Mrs-spelling

I found a spelling error on my ID card for my new job. I'm debating whether or not I should request a new one. I have been called the "grammar nazi" before... I don't suppose I can deny that, since I notice most any grammar/punctuation/spelling errors.

The only concern I have is that perhaps it would reflect poorly on the organization, but I may be the only one who notices it.

Maybe I should just ignore it.

(Then the spelling-police part of me says, "Demand perfection!!!")

I dunno.

Grey Days, the December issue

I started a post nearly two weeks ago (never published it) entitled 'Grey Days.' Mostly it was because it was grey outside that day, but, to be honest, grey is how I've been feeling lately inside too. There have been a couple of ups, but mostly it's been this awkward steady range of grey. There's still light to see by, but it's cloudy most of the time. Circumstances change and the clouds move around... but it's still grey.

A lot of the things Jeromie and I have been feeling and wrestling with lately seemed to come to a head tonight at house church. All together, we processed where we were, individually and as a group. All the way home, Jeromie and I dug around a little more about it. I think that was the shortest 45 minute drive since we moved to Greenville. Needless to say, there are a lot of questions bouncing about in the open now. I pray, and hope that I will begin to pray more consistently, that God will do as He will with all of them. Not as I will... that would be quite a mess.

Off to bed to catch what zzzzz's I can. Maybe I can catch some for my mom...

Married Christmas

Ah! Now our house smells like Christmas tree instead of doggie-dog! This week has been awesome. Tiring, but awesome. My sister (Diane) and her husband (Drew) and Jeromie and I have sorted holidays out such that Diane and I are "home" at the same time, so we all got to hang out a good bit on Thanksgiving and yesterday. The time went by toooooo fast though, and I feel like we didn't get to actually talk as much as we'd've liked to. (Yes. I just apostrophized twice in the same word.)

Today was just me and my Jeromie... decorating for Christmas.

We found the perfect tree...




and decorated it...


and Jeromie took pictures...


and then we celebrated!



Twas muchest of fun... and, as Jeromie just pointed out over my shoulder... this is just the beginning!

i'm chile, not argentina

This caboose heater is looking awfully nice right now. If it worked. And weren't in Greenwood. :-)

Thanks to yesterday morning's power outage, the thermostat and/or furnace have decided to go on strike. Jeromie and I woke up to blank alarm clocks (which were not responsible for the waking) & no lights, took showers by headlamp, and wondered about the cause. The power came back on minutes before we walked out the door, and everything seemed fine, so we went on our way. When we arrived home yesterday evening, we heard a clicking noise coming from the thermostat and turned the whole system off. When Jeromie turned it back on, the clicking returned, with no apparent activity from the furnace. Combine that with a cold rainy night and a cold rainy morning and you get a cold sniffly Liz and a yellow lab who has chosen to curl up in a ball on her bed for the duration of the day. I'm hoping it gets fixed soon, as my brain and fingers feel frozen, but in a way I'm glad for the inconvenience.

Lately I've been pretty frustrated at the American bubble and especially the role I play in it. If I'm not intentional about it, life is fairly comfortable and the state of the rest of the world (including the world right down the road from my house) is fairly easy to ignore. Since realizing this, I've been trying to be more mindful but much of the time it takes a swift kick in the pants from God Himself through Scripture & circumstances to peel the scales back from my eyes... scales that seem to grow right back! There is homelessness and dire poverty within a few short miles of my house... and freezing temperatures don't discriminate. There again is the same across the globe and I sit here in relative comfort, able to cook up whatever my imagination settles on for dinner. It's not as if this information is new to me either... perhaps just in a new context.

I know that seeking God & His kingdom first is the best thing I could ever do, yet somehow in daily practice I seem to do nothing more seek my own satisfaction. It makes me sick to see this pattern repeating and yet I don't know what to do to break the cycle but seek the forgiveness that Jesus provides and pray for the help of His Spirit to bring lasting change.

I'm going to go do that.

-------------------------------
P.S. "That makes me nervous" is NOT something you want to hear from the guy who's working on your heating system.

Stirrings

This picture was taken just over two years ago... one crisp, late October morning in 2004. At that point I was driving too long and (most of the time) too early for a part-time job as a lifeguard. It's still amazing to me how time seems to fly and how things can change so slowly and quickly at the same time. At this point, I could wax theological about how God is changeless while I am always changing... and just because I don't doesn't mean He isn't (changeless)... but that isn't what strikes me most at moments like these. (And I am no good at waxing in any form... not even cars.)

I think what is stirring in my heart right now is, perhaps, a fresh realization of His mercy. That stirring itself is by grace alone - the Spirit rising like the sun to cut through the frost that remains in my own heart. I hope and pray for awakening - I've been asleep for too long.

red-headed stepson of photopost

Muahahahaha! Just this morning, I realized that I possessed some stellar material for "revenging" Will's "Son of Photopost" from April. It's not really revenge... the pictures and building were fun and they don't contain close-ups of any ugly faces (namely mine). I just wish I knew how to do the clever scroll-overs...

The following pictures were taken down in Charleston during a gathering of hooligans for Jeromie's birthday. That's right, hooligans... myself and Jeromie included. After creating a lovely sandcastle for my niece, Iona-zilla, to destroy ('cause she loves to)...





We channelled our creative energies into mummifying one our number... here are the results:



Step One: Bury Will in sand



Step Two: Make sure his ears are nice and warm... inside and out.



Step Three: Decorate in a detailed fashion.



Step Four: Ta-da!



Step Five: Release the hounds! (Will chases Arnold into the ocean)

oh me of little faith

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

The Yard Wars, part deux

We aren't finished, but progress has most certainly been made.

After approximately 5 hours of pretty much continuous work, we've gotten all the backyard shrubs under some semblance of control, made progress on the "weed-bed" in the sideyard, and mowed the front and back yard. We have some very cool neighbors who lent us their wheelbarrow and long-handled loppers, which made work go even faster (...all we had beforehand was the top of a banana box and some hand clippers). It feels soooooooo good to have gotten all of that done, but we still have a ton of yardwork left to do.

I don't think I ever realized how much things grow in pretty much the month of AUGUST around here.

Or how, in the course of a week or two, the weather goes from blazing hot to autumny cool.

I love autumn.

The Yard Wars

Slightly Overgrown.

That one phrase, I think, could perhaps describe more than just the yard at the moment.

Despite our growing arsenal of yard-care implements, the weeds continue to send their runners out to the far reaches of the yard and sprout again. Since this weekend, the freshly weeded neighbor-side of our yard has sprouted yet again, and so I'm conflicted about what sort of action to take. (I fought back with pre-treat stuff this morning... take that weeds!) It seems like I can't sit still, cause the weeds'll just keep growing... but I am NOT going to spend the whole day out there. :-p At the moment, it seems the best recourse might be spending a smaller chunk of time more frequently (with Jeromie, cause battling the yard is much more pleasant and much less discouraging when he's working beside me!). But that, of course, will require some discipline. We also need to call our landlord-type-people to see what kind of planting we can do to occupy all the open spaces.

Slightly Overgrown could also describe...

the mail situation - mail around the house behaves in a suspiciously similar manner to the ivy out back
the craft room - also known as the disaster area; it's the only room that still has unpacked boxes, but what's worse is that they're opened... just not unpacked... and their contents, being homeless, seem to straggle about the room.
Molly - or more specifically her FUR, which is everywhere and back in force less than a day after we sweep!

I feel like I should have these things all under control, especially since I'm still hunting for employment, but I DON'T and that's frustrating sometimes.

Aight. Now, with spirits somewhat lighter, I shall re-enter the fray! (with the realization that these are silly things to be battling and becoming frustrated with... and thus just working as best i can)

Lilo & 2 Stitches

Hehe, I have now had stitches twice in my life! Don't worry, I'll spare you... no pictures! For some reason, it's kind of tempting though!

Of all ways to get stitches, mine might be one of the dumbest... I was unloading the dishwasher at my step-sister's place and dropped a ceramic mug all of one foot into the top rack of the dishwasher. Not thinking it would break (cause it shouldn't have), I reached down to pick it up as it was falling and thus sliced my palm... cause the mug cracked in pretty much half. Needless to say, I'm feelin' pretty dumb, but pretty blessed since it could've been worse. :-)

On the previous subject of George MacDonald, Jeromie promptly located a site called Project Gutenberg (sp?) where all sorts of pre-copyright books are posted for general use in electronic format. As far as I can tell most of his are in their original forms, which is EXCELLENT. I promptly got my paws on one of the stories I'd been looking for at the booksale, called The Wise Woman, and loved it. George MacDonald's approach to storytelling, and conveying truth in story, is insightful and incredible to me, and so I am rather thankful to have access to his original writings. Now I'm trying to temper my reading of them with other books as well, as much as I'd like to just curl up with them all one after the other!

Another book I've been reading lately is J.I. Packer's Knowing God, and it's been thoroughly challenging to me. Perhaps that's why I haven't been as consistent as I should in reading it. As much as I very much want to be changed, there are moments (many) where I shy away from the conviction that the Spirit brings... because God is God and I, most certainly, am NOT... which is a very very *good* thing. I have more wonderings to explore related to this, but right now I've run out of time.

Off I go to begin crafting a fantastic work of art called home-made pizza. Ha. Or maybe off I go to begin crafting a plain old home-made pizza, as it will likely not be particularly artistic. :-D

reallybigreallygoodreallycheap booksale...

or reallybigreallycheapreallygood booksale...
or reallygoodreallybigreallycheap booksale...
or reallygoodreallycheapreallybig boogsale...
or...

I can't remember the actual name, but I think I've gotten the point across. :-)

Jeromie and I went this weekend and got a pile of good books for not much in the way of dollars, and the outcome has certainly made this week so far a little more bearable. However, it's also put me on a mission to find more of George MacDonald's books in their original (original republished is fine) form, as opposed to "edited for today's reader." Most of his books at the booksale fit in the latter category, which is a little frustrating. And by "edited for today's reader," I mean that they "translated" all the dialect and put cheesy romance novel [1] covers on the books. The one editor seems to do a good job of keeping the story & truth that MacDonald seeks to convey, but what about us folks that want to wade through scottish dialect and the story as it was written!!! ;-)

Aside from recently acquiring good books (which may just be distraction), my days have still been a mix of doubt and hope and perhaps a glimmer of faith. I hesitate to even call it that... because what resembles faith in me seems such a poor representation of what faith is. Sometimes I wonder if I even know what that means or entails!! I still feel like I'm finding my worth in work, which is really no worth at all... and it seems as if i will remain without what i consider gainful employment until i learn my lesson!

And so I will journey on. I know that God is at work, and I hope that my knowledge of this fact, and all that it means, will travel from head to heart again and grow deep roots. And not just knowledge of the fact that God is at work, but knowing HIM.

I've spent entirely too long trying to put this into words, and I feel like I still haven't touched on the entirety of what I'm even aware of what God seems up to in my heart and the ways that He's up to it... and, you know, the entirety doesn't belong here either. :-)

------
[1] Yes, MacDonald does put a romantic twist in some of the stories, but the author is a Scottish pastor from the 1800's... i think anyone that picked those books up for the cover would be sorely disappointed!! :-)

more fret-ful than a guitar

I'm feeling kind of braindead. No thought-provoking things to post (not lately). Just discouraged... and I don't want to be discouraging... so I almost don't want to post at all, but at the same time I don't want to just sit here quietly.

I'm in a spot of asking "how long?!" After praying about a certain job offer (that would require weekends & Sundays periodically), I turned it down (this was back at the end of June) because I felt that God was telling me to wait. I've spent the past month hunting in earnest for a job with reasonable hours, to no avail. I'd like to take advantage of this down-time for resting and seeking God, but it's gotten so incredibly hard not to worry and fret and feel utterly useless... and to trust, instead, that God will provide as He always has.

So I'm weary again. Now, I think, solely from worrying.

Argh.

mmmm...onkey business (?)

It's kind of hard to ramble freely while sitting in a library computer lab... with a time limit. But perhaps time limits are good things with me.

So it's 5pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I am at the library, not at work. Cause I haven't found a job yet... and that's what I'm here hunting around for. Honestly, that's a little harder to swallow than I thought it'd be back when I finished at DMH. I'm glad for a bit of a break, but at the same time I'd like to get out and into life with people again. Even so, I can tell that God has some things to teach me in my time off... something that has begun to sink in during house church and quiet time this week. I just pray that my heart would be open to what God has to say and where He's got in mind to lead me.

Well, off to more hunting/application-filling-outing.


e. to da r.a.n.d.

"yer gittin' hitched!" says Becki

Why yes, I did! :-D The Goudelock girls are extinct, as I am now a Rand! Perhaps I shall post pictures in a lil' bit... when I get them...

but now I shall go clean de old house! wif de Mountz! and de Jeromie!

oh sweet day!

I'm home from work and for the first time in WEEKS have succeeded in having a no-freakout day. That's not to say I didn't feel stressed, but for the first time in a while, I haven't felt overwhelmed, and I most certainly thank Jesus for that.

I do believe I shall had to the grocery store now, tasty recipe in hand! (Pasta with spinach, bacon and mushrooms!)

if i were an animal : episode 2

Agh... so ducks & pottami... perhaps now I can explain, or at least try.

May not be surprising to ANYONE else, but I'm stressed out and overwhelmed AGAIN. A couple of months ago, I thought I'd gotten to the point where I could leave work at work, not take life personally, not freak out and be stressed... and obviously I haven't been able to stay that way. Lately, the combination of thorns and work and wedding and my own wander-ful heart have combined to make me one chronically anxious creature. And I don't know what to do with it.

Cause letting things go, leaving them in God's hands, is a heck of a lot easier said than done.

I've been wondering over the past few days where my mistrusting/distrusting heart came from. I struggle to trust anyone... God, others, especially myself. Not in a paranoid way (i don't think anyone's out to get me), but it's so freaking hard to relinquish control... i think that's a good bit of the problem. So what does that mean? Sometimes it gets to the point where daily life feels like a burden and burdens feel like crises. Because I feel like I've got to take care of it ALL. And now, when I try to deal with it in the midst of crazy crazy, I know I need to let go of things, but dang it I can't let it all go at once.

Jen was talking yesterday about letting things roll off instead of absorbing it all... thus the duck. Who knows about the pottamus... perhaps I could just run over everything & flatten the problems. I don't knooooooooooooooow.

I just know I'm tired of this. Really tired.

if i could be an animal...

i think it might be good to be a duck... or... a... pottamus...

i suppose i'll explain that later, as i must now run off to a dinner date with my fiance & fam.

a moment of rest

true rest, as it turns out, is pretty darn elusive. seems sometimes that i find it in the most unexpected places... like now.

i spent the evening painting with my house church... not a room, but matte-board canvases... all meditating on Jesus' journey toward the cross. i can't seem to express myself by speaking so house church usually just wears me out, but tonight... tonight was different. ha. it's not like paint is a miracle drug or anything (and no i didn't sniff it), but, in painting with my family, there seemed to be somewhat of a release to what becomes bound by my life's daily rhythms.

thank you, Jesus.

overloaded (like imagine a baked potato on steroids)

I. am. tired. You're probably asking, 'Well if you're so dang tired, why on earth are you writing on this thing?' Jolly good question. I don't know if I feel like answering it. Ridiculous-type weeks at the DMH tend to evoke such posts every now and then where I just want to tell the world that I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted, and that I'm tired of being exhausted.

Capice?

I don't know if I spelled that right.

I don't care.

*mischevious grin*

riptides in the dead sea?

So a Monday morning finds me at home. Honestly, I would've rather been tough about it and gone in to work, but something tells me I need to go ahead and sit today out. I feel exhausted, disconnected, a little ashamed, and on top of all this, sitting on the edge of sick & well.

So what to do with the day?

Need to rest. Need to talk with Jesus. I feel like I've been swept away over the past couple of weeks, drawn into other things that deceptively offer peace & rest & healing but in fact bring death, and I haven't fought the current. Like a riptide, perhaps, except that I didn't realize the distance until I became too worn out to do anything about it. Looks like my desert met the ocean and I couldn't tell the difference. :-p

I think I'm gonna troop back upstairs for some quiet before I head off to G-vegas to get my car doctored.

Time flies regardless...

Where did February go?! Actually, I know where most of it went... but I'm still having a hard time believing that March is already here & a quarter over. I've tried my best to keep my eyes wide open instead of coasting through or just surviving each day, but even so the days have found a way to sneak past.

I don't like the sneaking...

So March 7th finds me...
- weary again, even after a two-and-a-half week break from work.
- very much aware of the fact that I desperately need Jesus.
- more aware of my priorities & more committed to acting on them.
- full of just as many questions & frustrations at work as before.
- 32 days closer to marrying Jeromie! :-)

This very moment finds me...
- fretting about work and what it means to make the right decisions each day.
- very headachey.
- homesick.

Westward Ho!

Aaaaaaaah... it's like the freedom you feel at the end of the school year... except that I only have 2 1/2 weeks. But I am NOT complaining about that... 2 1/2 weeks is fine with me! I have officially completed 1 year of working in community mental health. *cheers*

And now, I shall fly off to Dallas with de Jeromie!

Questions of Calling

How do I even begin to untangle this mass of questions?!

I sat down with my application materials this afternoon, and realized again the possibility that perhaps there is still more growing to do before I continue my schooling. I cannot tell if my struggles to begin/complete the applications are rooted in my own fear or if they are God tugging at my heart here & telling me to seek Him where I am. I most certainly don't want to plow forward toward seminary if that is not what God has called me to at this point in my journey.

God, I want to follow, but I can't tell what that means.

And so, once again, I will wait and listen.

Weary

So tired. I was hoping to spend this weekend digging around in my heart in some scenic locale (mountains?), but alas I am here at home... sick. The weariness of the past few days has turned into a full-on, all-over ache that just makes me want to crawl back in bed & I would do that if I weren't so wary of the dreams I had last night.

Perhaps I'll get my applications done today... :-)

Beginning again...

So I find myself in a both strange and familiar place... strange because it does not fit, it is not right - but familiar because I've most certainly been here before in varying degrees.

This time, I have only just arrived, but I remember vividly the worst of what this place holds.

The air is dry and dusty, and the only laughter is that of the scorching wind as it kicks the dust up into my face. The landscape is flat and changeless. On most days, I get the sinking feeling that there is nothing more - there is no hope for anything more than survival - and I resign myself to that fact. Precious few, I find a glimmer of joy and of purpose, which I cling to as my hope, but these tender shoots quickly wither under the blazing sun. My companions offer little solace as they greedily snatch up the only food this place provides... my stomach rumbles again like thunder and I reach back through the haze of my memories - I have not always been here.

As I sort through my story, I realize this place is a strange mix of exodus and prodigality. I have been through this land on my way to a new Home, but at times I find myself returned & utterly alone. Like the Israelites in the desert, I have wandered here between the slavery I was born into and a new land. Then, like the prodigal son, I have thrown myself into the arms of lesser lovers and found myself here and longing for home. Here again, I return, and each time I return (whether consciously or otherwise), I find that God pursues me even here. As with Israel in the story of Hosea, He gives and He takes away, all to show that HE is the Lord & lover of my soul.

Through all my unfaithfulness, He pursues me. I run and then return - because He pursues me. And I know He pursues me because He is Life, and Jesus died to bring me into real Life & into His family.

So here continues my story... it is most certainly a continuing, not a beginning... of God's mercy and love as He pursues my heart. I pray that my response will be to turn to Him again, not away, as the journey continues.