Thursday, May 18, 2006

if i were an animal : episode 2

Agh... so ducks & pottami... perhaps now I can explain, or at least try.

May not be surprising to ANYONE else, but I'm stressed out and overwhelmed AGAIN. A couple of months ago, I thought I'd gotten to the point where I could leave work at work, not take life personally, not freak out and be stressed... and obviously I haven't been able to stay that way. Lately, the combination of thorns and work and wedding and my own wander-ful heart have combined to make me one chronically anxious creature. And I don't know what to do with it.

Cause letting things go, leaving them in God's hands, is a heck of a lot easier said than done.

I've been wondering over the past few days where my mistrusting/distrusting heart came from. I struggle to trust anyone... God, others, especially myself. Not in a paranoid way (i don't think anyone's out to get me), but it's so freaking hard to relinquish control... i think that's a good bit of the problem. So what does that mean? Sometimes it gets to the point where daily life feels like a burden and burdens feel like crises. Because I feel like I've got to take care of it ALL. And now, when I try to deal with it in the midst of crazy crazy, I know I need to let go of things, but dang it I can't let it all go at once.

Jen was talking yesterday about letting things roll off instead of absorbing it all... thus the duck. Who knows about the pottamus... perhaps I could just run over everything & flatten the problems. I don't knooooooooooooooow.

I just know I'm tired of this. Really tired.

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