Dangerous Prayer, part deux

Sure, I'm up for an adventure. :-)

Good thing, since that seems to be what happens when I say a prayer that actually seems to be genuinely in line with God's will, rather than the selfish dithering or silence that have occupied my prayers of late. I'm pretty selfish and near-sighted apart from Jesus.

Almost a month ago, I asked God to help me be more at home with ambiguity, uncertainty, the unexpected. After all, that's the reality that most of the world faces on a daily basis.

He's been answering that prayer in some amusing ways... and I'm pretty sure that the fact that I was even aware enough to pray that prayer in the first place would be an answer to the original dangerous prayer post here. (By the way, he's been answering that one like crazy in other ways too.)

So now I find myself listening again - about my community, about my neighbors, about my marriage, about my calling, about my posture in life.

Breathe in...

Glad for a little congruence...
it's been snowing in my soul for days.

Facing the Shadows

I was not kidding when I mentioned a coming cold, dark season last month. To be honest, the darkness sucks, this time more than most.

Perhaps it's partly because this time, I'm peering into my soul and story intentionally, and in a way that I haven't in many years.

Perhaps it's partly because this time, there are people in my life who matter to me, and whom I supposedly matter to as more than just a face in a crowd. I think it's this part that makes the loneliness deeper and the silence deafening.

Oh wellz.

Mercy.

I've been finding myself whispering this a lot lately - part prayer, part plea, part thanks. And I have received much lately.

Much, much mercy.

A professor gave me an extension on an assignment, but then decided he couldn't realistically do that and revoked it. To which I whispered, mercy, realizing that this is just one assignment that will not likely be the death of me or my grade in the class.

Cold #3 ended up being something completely different. Still not certain what's going on, but I should (hopefully) find out in a few days. In the meantime, these days of questionable health have been driving me crazy. My body has been pretty reliable for most of my life, and now it just feels like its giving out. To which I whisper, mercy.

Each day of this past month and a half has been completed by the grace of God alone. Some days school, some days illness, some days wrestling, some days hiding, some days angry, some days thankful, most days weary, a few moments incredibly awake and aware of God's presence with me despite all appearances to the contrary. To which I whispered (and whisper still), mercy, because His presence is mercy and for that I am thankful.

But all is not dark...

I know the last post was a bit of a downer. You'll get that here periodically, as I try to be genuine. Where I am is where I am and I won't try to hide it.

But all is not dark in my life. I have an incredible husband and I have a handful of friends, near and far, who are willing to stick things out with me and help me carefully peel back the assorted layers of my heart.

I also have a few sanity-keeping hobbies that I will carve out time for. My bike will get plenty of use, as will my running shoes. My paintbrushes will likely not stay dry for long, and there will be plenty of fun on my knitting needles. I know better than to dive into a mess without some diversions. :-)

Thanks to my wonderful friend Yvette (who gave me a fantastic birthday present - a gift certificate to my favorite local yarn store), I was able to get some yarn for a sweater today. No pictures yet, just a delighted impatient me who has already cast on for my second iteration of the Shalom cardigan. This time it will have sleeves, a la here and here.

The first time I made it, I used something I affectionately (haha) dubbed "Quintessential Itchy-Scratchy." Basically free yarn, also basically unwearable. Really, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could make a sweater if I could afford to. The completed product lives on my duct-tape dress form, whom I call Ducky. This new sweater will live on me. :-)

I should be writing a paper, but I'll get to that in a few minutes. Grad school does not have to be all work. Just remind me of that in a few weeks...

The beginning of perseverance

I get the feeling that I am entering a rather cold, dark season. Perhaps not physically... after all, I live in sunny CO now.

It's not creaky knees that bear the message this time, but the returning ache of an old, tired soul and a dimming of vision. More steps are uncertain, and there is less welcome in old places of rest. There's a loneliness that I can't shake. There's a homesickness for deep community and a dawning realization of just who and what are missing.

And you know what? I will welcome this season. I believe that Jesus is right in the thick of it with me, that my Father is at work redeeming a lot places that have been broken or lost.

So here I sit with open heart and open hands, listening.

Dangerous Prayer

I have learned, partially through the life of my husband Jeromie, that honest prayer is dangerous. Yes, it is many other things as well, but it is dangerous too.

It's dangerous to my sense of comfort. It's dangerous to my fragile earthly peace. It's dangerous to my familiar way of seeing and understanding and relating in the world.

I have just such a dangerous prayer.

I want to see the streets of Denver the way many of my friends and acquaintances do. I want to see those things that are hidden to my comfortable middle-class eyes. I may never be able to fully understand just what it is like to live them as a daily, draining reality... but if I am to walk well alongside these people I love, then I need perhaps a little more than cognitive empathy.

I have no idea how God will answer this prayer, but I'm praying that His will be done.

Self-aware

i can be...
a wreck.

i can
worriedly
recount
every
careless
word,
look,
& action
for even the slightest
kernel of "truth"
about who i am.

once found,
i take it as the whole
and build my day upon it

until...
pebble by pebble
i have buried myself,

a martyr to my own mistakes.



(E. Rand, September 2009)

* * * * * * *

season(ing)

hint of fall at end of summer,
hint of summer in midst of spring

welcome change of something other
gives me hope for better things

'cause i've been stuck in ruts and gutters
for longer than i care to say

but i know that a time is coming
when all these things will be
washed away...

this isn't to say that i'm not trying
or wrestling it out for all i'm worth

but more to say that i've been rescued
by One who knew me before my birth

hint of fall at end of summer,
hint of summer in midst of spring

welcome change of something other
calls me to a life that sings


(E.Rand, September 2009)

* * * * * * *

unsettled

colorful,
joyous,
hopeful.
songs.

warm,
encouraging,
spoken.
words.

and yet,
my corner is dim...
my bones, rattling.
my muscles, tense.
my companions, just an arm's length
but a thousand miles away.

and You...

present,
listening.
veiled,
unseen.

please open my eyes
and rescue me.

(E. Rand, September 2009)

* * * * * * *

Note: Who knew that this poem, written last Tuesday, would end up describing this whole week? Prayers can be answered in the strangest ways...

Missing...

So... my life is organized by music, and just about any album I've had for a while brings up vivid memories. Some seasons of my life are characterized by a single song, others by a series of them. As I spent this morning cleaning, I found myself listening to another memory... one that comes up quite often actually.

Hold Me Jesus - Rich Mullins

This song is one that I resonate with anyway, but it will forever bring to mind a good friend - Aaron Pugh.

Aaron was a pretty incredible guy: tireless servant, generous giver, constant encourager, fellow pilgrim, bearer of the love & peace of Christ in many ways to many people. I actually think about him a lot... whenever I take out my bike. He rode too, though I never got to ride with him, and he passed away riding.

Aaron had a big heart... mine was too small and constricted at the time to let him be a good friend to me, and that was my deficiency, not his... I kept everyone out at that time in my life. He didn't let that get in the way, though, and I think that's part of why his life continues to challenge me to do the same. I spent a lot of my life pushing people away from me, and though I'm past that now, I think I still respond in that same old way sometimes when someone pushes me away. That response is not the way I'm called to live, and it is not love.

There's more going on in my heart right now than just memories of Aaron... but those memories brought some things to the surface today that I'd not wrestled with in a while. I guess it's time.

Mess & Mercy

There are a lot of days where I feel downright uncomfortable in my own skin... when I am acutely aware of the fact that something is amiss. In my heart. In my relationships. In my world.

As many have said before me, things are not as they were made to be... and yet there is beauty, life, hope... a steady tension... the "already and not yet" of the One True God at work.

My life so far has been a beautiful, ridiculous, little part of a much larger, lovelier story. Beautiful because Jesus is making that way... ridiculous because it's such an odd assortment of mess and mercy, belief and unbelief, brokenness and healing, coming and going, learning and forgetting, travelling and setting up camp for a time, and becoming.

Lately, it's felt like the brokenness was winning... physically, emotionally, relationally... i've been an inconsistent (to some, absent) friend, a difficult wife, an impertinent child, a prodigal yet again... i've added a new (minor) injury to my long list (who knew you could bust yourself vacuuming?!)... i've lost track of the things that are most important to me... so it goes...

But here marks a moment where I've been picked up, dusted off and reminded that this is not the end of the story. :-)

Uncertain.

365 - 2.15 / Studying by Candlelight / Littleton, CO

* * * * * * *

The past week or so have been somewhat of an enigma to me. Oh, I have theories, but I'm not sure they fit...

Busy?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Under the weather?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Discouraged?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Afraid?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...

I'm a little baffled that three weeks of class have already slipped past. Meanwhile, I've already gotten behind on my reading, I've caught a cold and kept it for a week, I've tweaked & turned in my learning contract, I've seen 2 clients, and I've questioned the very core of who I am.

A friend has said that she has many layers, the deepest and best one being chocolate. Lately, I've had the unsettling feeling that my deepest layer is something akin to tar. Black, smelly, and disgusting.

On a cognitive level, I know this is not true. Perhaps I have become tarred over the course of life in a broken world, but my deepest heart is not itself tar. God is up to something good again (as always), but...

For some reason, that's really hard for me cling to and live out of on a heart-level.

So in the past week, I've given up and gotten by. Exhausted and snotty. Soul-weary and overwhelmed. Eyes closed, camera off, sketchbook hidden. Despite a commitment to listen with my heart, I mostly shut it down again - afraid to venture further through the doors opened to me.

To be honest, I'm still on the edge of that place even as I write. But I am not alone and I am not stranded. I am surrounded and embraced by my Creator, Redeemer, and Friend - and by a community of people who are willing to remind me of what is real and true.

I am not sure what God is up to in this season, but I do not need to know the end right now, only that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day He returns (Philippians 1:6).

Movin'

Shenanigans

* * * * * * *

Where are all the days going?! In less than a month, Jeromie and I will be filling up another one of these crazy trucks, this time to head across the country. I suppose the swift current of days may indicate some coasting on my part... some dozing off, some drifting along. It happens more than I'd like. I either get super-busy or just worn out, and this time I think it's busy-ness. However, Jeromie and I have both been challenged lately to live and think and pray more alertly. Part of that is just the nature of change: there's work to do in finding a place to live and getting the move on, but I believe that God is stirring things up in our hearts and preparing us for something big. He's called us to listen and obey, and as we have taken each step, He's been providing. It looks like He intends that for where we physically live as well, but not without some difficult questions - one of which being: "What is your life centered around?"

As Jeromie and I have wrestled with that question, we've found too many things vying for the center. Work, creative projects, relationships, books, appetites, the comfort and ease of a car... a furry, yellow ball of energy and affection. In preparing for the move, that furry yellow ball (my awesome Molly-dog) has come to occupy more and more of our thoughts and emotions and wrestling... eventually to the exclusion of much else. You know what that makes? A dog-centered universe. A bit dyslexic of us, don't you think?

We've had to ask some hard questions in response, and consider more than just our desire to have this beautiful creature in our lives. To go where Jesus is often means leaving people, places, creatures and things behind - often much-loved - and we are not exempt from this. So, we're examining what this means in our lives and trying to discern what we must leave behind. Who knows, it may mean selling all we have and heading to Denver with what fits in/on our car. Right now, it seems that it will mean parting, at least for a time, with a very dear, six-and-a-half-year friend.

All I know is that I want to go where God is, and I want to live how He calls me to - whatever that entails. I want to ask and be asked the hard questions of what that really means in practice. I want to live generously and out of the sheer, life-giving love that Jesus embodied, embodies, and will ever continue to.

Tall order. Need grace.

Loose Ends

It seems like a lot longer than a week and a half since the last time I posted anything here. I don't think I realized just how busy things have gotten lately. Between work & community & Christmas-present-crafting & wrestling with school apps & normal daily life, I feel like I've been going non-stop. All the going-going has been good and bad.


Good: I haven't really wasted any time. Most waking hours have been productive in some way.

Bad: I've let my priorities get out of whack. I've found myself to be much less mindful of Jesus and my daily need for him. I've let myself lose touch with where my heart *really* is most days.

Good: I've gotten a lot of Christmas presents finished!

Bad: My fiddle's a bit neglected. I have NOT been busy keeping the house particulary clean. But I'm okay with that. Until the dishes growl at me. But they haven't started doing that... yet. (I'm kidding... my disgust level is far more sensitive than that, but the thought of growling dishes reminds me that there's some really gross moldy, mossy stuff growing on the astro-turf behind the Open Book. I'm sure everyone wanted to know that. I just noticed it today... it looks like a miniature forest. Might be a good location for a science experiment.)

The first set of bads are not worth any amount of "productivity" in the world, so I'm trying to slow down. Slowing down without wasting time is an art (science?) that I haven't mastered.

* * * * * * *

I can't post pictures of most of my finished sewing/knitting because they're Christmas presents, but I can post these:

Kategirl Messenger Bag

Source: Kategirl's post on craftster.org
Materials: brown canvas, mary englebreit (sp?) print canvas, some ribbon, and a stupid zipper that punked out on me after the project was finished
Thoughts: I thoroughly enjoyed making the bag and it may be my all-time favorite of any I've ever owned.

Blue Cafe Bag

Source: sewtakeahike... (thanks, I think I will!)
Materials: brown canvas, light cotton fabric with a flower print, reversible pink/brown ribbon
Thoughts: A birthday gift for a family member. Seems to be the perfect size for a small knitting project. Next time I make this bag, I'll use a lighter fabric for the outside... the canvas was a bit stiff for the structure of the bag.

* * * * * * *

P.S. Our cars seem to be tree magnets. A rather large limb fell on Jeromie's car a few weeks ago causing only minor damage. THEN yesterday, a dead tree fell across the road in front of a friend's house while we were parked there and came within inches of my car. I think our cars need personal bodyguards!

Fear

"There is so much fear in us. Fear of people, fear of God and much raw, undefined, free-floating anxiety. I wonder if fear is not our main obstacle to prayer. When we enter into the presence of God and start to sense that huge reservoir of fear in us, we want to run away into the many distractions which our busy world offers us so abundantly. But we should not be afraid of our fears. We can confront them, give words to them and lead them into the presence of him who says: 'Do not be afraid, it is I.' Our inclination is to show our Lord only what we feel comfortable with. But the more we dare to reveal our whole trembling self to him, the more we will be able to sense that his love, which is perfect, casts out all our fears."

- Henri J.M. Nouwen
A Cry for Mercy

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


I have spent much much of my life dwelling in fear. Fear of people, fear of God, fear of self, fear of feeling, fear of failing. The past few years or so, and particularly this past year, have been a newer season - characterized much less by fear, but much more by a subtle numbness, a creeping in of apathy (or so I think). I have, on many counts, been much "happier" and "more confident," but I've also been distant from the God who rescued me and gave me Life.

I think I've been content to make mudpies, as CS Lewis put it.

The past few days, I've heard God whispering to my heart again. He's been poking and prodding and revealing that the fear hadn't truly left, but been dumbed down and wished away. His perfect love casts out all fear... he doesn't let it sleep under the stairs like I do. Reverent fear, awe, respect - these are poor words for what I feel I must keep. The cringing fear, the hiding fear, the running-away fear - in the face of Jesus, those have to go.

I always seem to forget that it's a daily thing.

I want to choose God over all the distractions - and boy are they ever abundant! And hard to discern... sometimes... sometimes I just choose the distractions. :-(

Desiring God

(July* 10)

Originally, just the house church guys were going to read through Desiring God (John Piper) this summer, but it's become a whole house church (whole snow cone!) thing instead. In my wanderings over the past week or so, I'd opted for other reading & other pursuits instead of catching up to the guys, but as I picked it up today I realized I'd already been wrestling with some of this already.

Tomorrow, it'll be a month since my resignation, and that month's flown by - heavy with questions and re-awakening. Though it feels like I've second-guessed it up to tenths & fifteenths, probably, I know that God has a purpose in this waiting and wondering, and I want to wait and wonder (and wrestle and dig!) well.

(July* 11)

Our discussion last night has had me thinking a lot, and praying, about where my heart is now and about what it means to delight in the Lord, for Him to be my treasure. As the day has passed, I've recognized again my tendency to wander, to allow other things to steal the affection that belongs only to God. I was reminded this morning of a verse that was given to me several years ago (~5?!) by a good friend, written on the bottom of a stone. The top of the stone said, carved simply, "love;" on the bottom was written "Rev 2:4." The verse seemed odd to me at first, but through the years since it has pointed me straight back to Christ in times where I'd allowed the whole world to come in between. Now, of course, is one of those times. The verse that follows calls me to do three things: to remember, to repent and to return. My pride has kept me from truly doing those things for quite a while, but, by grace alone, I realize that now.

I want to do those things daily.



* (No one told me I got the months wrong!!! :-p)

Jeremy Casella :: Recovery

This album has rather quickly climbed near the top of my most-playeds in i-tunes in month or so since I first got my paws on it. Jeremy Casella is now topped only by Chris Thile & U2 (who've been in the library for years). :-)

My first exposure to Jeremy Casella's artful music was at an event where Indelible Grace came to play at Clemson Presbyterian. "Joyful Fire" spoke volumes to me and prompted me to hunt down more of his music. Several years later, he's released an album called Recovery and it is incredible. Incredible musically, incredible in honesty, incredible in diversity with a mix of genres and styles.

The entire album has resonated with me lately, in title and lyrics, as I've found the voice of, perhaps, a kindred spirit - one who knows that God calls us to a living, breathing relationship with Him and with others and that this honesty requires, at times, a wrestling with God, self and story.

In this album, Jeremy Casella has boldly spoken of God and His truth, and of the pilgrim journey we're on.

Once again, I'd suggest *everyone* go get it! :-D

http://www.jeremycasella.com/store/store.html

Absent or Absent-minded?

Sometimes I wonder if I should keep my blog. I don't think many people read it (as I haven't really told many folks about it), thus it finds itself at the very bottom of my priority list most weeks. When I finally get around to thinking about an update, there's not really much to say (and no pictures to make things interesting).

So here's what I've been up to lately, in no particular order...

- Work - still part-time, still a tad disorganized. we're minus a program coordinator for the time being, so things may get a little more stressful in the coming weeks.

- Sinus Infection - knocked me out for most of this week... feels a bit wierd to start AND finish your workweek on a Friday. Monday I felt well enough to knit a little, Tuesday through Thursday, I slept... and read... and slept.

- Reading - A Sense of the World by Jason Roberts. I picked this one up after hearing snippets of it on NPR's Radio Reader and it is an excellent book... very well written biography of James Holman (1786-1857), who lost his sight in his 20's and went on to travel the world like no one else before him. I'd started it back in January, not made much progress because things just got busy, then just about knocked it out while out sick this week... READ IT READ IT! (Tis good!)

- Reading and Wrestling - Deuteronomy, some of Psalms, now James... Jeromie and I are reading through the Bible with some friends from house church. It's been hard not to read just for the sake of reading (and thus not even really be seeking God in it), but God seems to be mercifully drawing me back to Him in recent weeks, even though I am so prone to wander.

- Knitting!!! - after the bag, it's been a couple of small items (2 Calorimetries from Knitty, a cabled headband that I made up myself, an failed attempt at a notions bag, and the Two Movie Hat from this blog). Now I'm on to socks for Mom! Size 0 double-point needles were torture at first, but now I think I may be addicted. :-D

- Testing Limits - (of my stupid foot) - the pain in my right foot turned out to be a mix of joint inflammation & a tough case of plantar fascitis, so I've been doing as told to get it better. Until I ended up sick earlier this week, I'd been up to swimming and walking on a somewhat regular basis. Hopefully I'll be able to pick that up again this next week.

So that's at glimpse of what's been up. Jeromie and I are both looking forward to hiking again once my foot is all better... not being able to get out like that has been driving us both a little nuts.

Onward to Saturday! :-D

Stirrings

This picture was taken just over two years ago... one crisp, late October morning in 2004. At that point I was driving too long and (most of the time) too early for a part-time job as a lifeguard. It's still amazing to me how time seems to fly and how things can change so slowly and quickly at the same time. At this point, I could wax theological about how God is changeless while I am always changing... and just because I don't doesn't mean He isn't (changeless)... but that isn't what strikes me most at moments like these. (And I am no good at waxing in any form... not even cars.)

I think what is stirring in my heart right now is, perhaps, a fresh realization of His mercy. That stirring itself is by grace alone - the Spirit rising like the sun to cut through the frost that remains in my own heart. I hope and pray for awakening - I've been asleep for too long.