the end of an era (?)

It's been an excellent (and sporadic) 5 years... I think it's high time for a change.  Come see why!

Mercy.

I've been finding myself whispering this a lot lately - part prayer, part plea, part thanks. And I have received much lately.

Much, much mercy.

A professor gave me an extension on an assignment, but then decided he couldn't realistically do that and revoked it. To which I whispered, mercy, realizing that this is just one assignment that will not likely be the death of me or my grade in the class.

Cold #3 ended up being something completely different. Still not certain what's going on, but I should (hopefully) find out in a few days. In the meantime, these days of questionable health have been driving me crazy. My body has been pretty reliable for most of my life, and now it just feels like its giving out. To which I whisper, mercy.

Each day of this past month and a half has been completed by the grace of God alone. Some days school, some days illness, some days wrestling, some days hiding, some days angry, some days thankful, most days weary, a few moments incredibly awake and aware of God's presence with me despite all appearances to the contrary. To which I whispered (and whisper still), mercy, because His presence is mercy and for that I am thankful.

But all is not dark...

I know the last post was a bit of a downer. You'll get that here periodically, as I try to be genuine. Where I am is where I am and I won't try to hide it.

But all is not dark in my life. I have an incredible husband and I have a handful of friends, near and far, who are willing to stick things out with me and help me carefully peel back the assorted layers of my heart.

I also have a few sanity-keeping hobbies that I will carve out time for. My bike will get plenty of use, as will my running shoes. My paintbrushes will likely not stay dry for long, and there will be plenty of fun on my knitting needles. I know better than to dive into a mess without some diversions. :-)

Thanks to my wonderful friend Yvette (who gave me a fantastic birthday present - a gift certificate to my favorite local yarn store), I was able to get some yarn for a sweater today. No pictures yet, just a delighted impatient me who has already cast on for my second iteration of the Shalom cardigan. This time it will have sleeves, a la here and here.

The first time I made it, I used something I affectionately (haha) dubbed "Quintessential Itchy-Scratchy." Basically free yarn, also basically unwearable. Really, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could make a sweater if I could afford to. The completed product lives on my duct-tape dress form, whom I call Ducky. This new sweater will live on me. :-)

I should be writing a paper, but I'll get to that in a few minutes. Grad school does not have to be all work. Just remind me of that in a few weeks...

Lost for words...*

In the past year or so, I've become accustomed to relative silence. I say relative because the rest of the world is usually bumping around & full of ceaseless sound.

For me, this silence has taken a few different forms, such as choosing not to accompany most of my actions with portable music. (Relatively) silent car trip, bike ride, run, study-time, cleaning sessions, etc. Nano has gone dusty for extended periods of time, and laptop has spent most of its time on mute. (At least with that last one I can ignore the fact that my computer has pretty awful speakers.)

Since the beginning of this year, I've been trying to be attentive to how I listen: as a friend, as a wife, as a family member, as a follower of Christ & journeying soul, as a counselor, as an artist,** as a being-in-the-world-at-large.

It's been an interesting time (to say the least!) and I am still learning.

One area that has remained painfully silent for a while is the time I've spent in Scripture... and I've responded poorly by spending less time in it. And intermittently connecting with the sadness behind it all, then honestly wrestling with my responses to Truth. So much more going on around this... ask if you want to know.

So imagine my surprise when I'm driving home today, listening to Snow Patrol (which we just recently got an album of because we just recently found out they were awesome because we've been hiding under our grad-school-seminary rocks (boulders? mountains?) for the past year (and other rocks before that) and haven't added to our music library out of laziness or lack of funds or just being fine with what we had. did i mention the fact that i don't usually listen to much of anything in the car anyway?! Strange afternoon.).

Where was I? Ah, yes... Listening to Snow Patrol & more specifically, "Run."

I wasn't listening closely to the lyrics (that's the next step in my music-processing processy-type, well... process) and was blown away when, clear as a friend in the passenger seat a snippet of the words from the chorus stood out to me:

"Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear." (Run - Snow Patrol)

Yeah. I broke down in tears. (Which, thanks to a sweet & wise friend, I now know I should listen to.)

The rest of the song doesn't really seem to fit as the voice of God, but those words blew me away and are consistent with what I know to be true.

Snow Patrol is not a substitute for encountering my Savior in the pages of His story, but those perfectly-timed words are an encouragement to me as I open the pages again & listen anew.


- - - - - - -
* What I was this afternoon, obviously not anymore as I just spit out a whole bunch of them.
** I'm still wrestling with applying that label to myself...

Listening, continued.

Yeah, so... I had great plans to keep up with this thing over the summer. Obviously something different happened, and you know... I'm okay with that.

Instead of filling the interwebs with questionably relevant chatter, I've been listening.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling all blogs "questionably relevant" or even chatter. I thoroughly enjoy the blogs I keep up with. It's just what blogging would have been coming from me.

One of these days, I think I'll share some of the meaningful things that have come out of listening this summer, but until then I intend on a good bit more listening (and a good bit less talking).

Mess & Mercy

There are a lot of days where I feel downright uncomfortable in my own skin... when I am acutely aware of the fact that something is amiss. In my heart. In my relationships. In my world.

As many have said before me, things are not as they were made to be... and yet there is beauty, life, hope... a steady tension... the "already and not yet" of the One True God at work.

My life so far has been a beautiful, ridiculous, little part of a much larger, lovelier story. Beautiful because Jesus is making that way... ridiculous because it's such an odd assortment of mess and mercy, belief and unbelief, brokenness and healing, coming and going, learning and forgetting, travelling and setting up camp for a time, and becoming.

Lately, it's felt like the brokenness was winning... physically, emotionally, relationally... i've been an inconsistent (to some, absent) friend, a difficult wife, an impertinent child, a prodigal yet again... i've added a new (minor) injury to my long list (who knew you could bust yourself vacuuming?!)... i've lost track of the things that are most important to me... so it goes...

But here marks a moment where I've been picked up, dusted off and reminded that this is not the end of the story. :-)

: : : Listening

365 - 3.15 / Perspective / Littleton, CO

* * * * * * *

A rare day in Denver...
Heavy clouds begging,
stop.
look.
listen.
And so I do...

A rare day in history...
Heavy clouds, mourning
stop.
look.
listen.


::: it is finished.


veil : torn
death : scorned
LIFE : born
given
proclaimed
out of
hope : lost and found
at an empty tomb,
in a closed room,
on a dusty road,
as the Spirit falls
and we are called

to
stop.
look.
listen.
and take our first breath,
ALIVE.

Learning...

"It has been said that listening is far more challenging than talking. Listening with genuine, heartfelt interest opens the door to sharing at the depths of who we are."

- Jack & Judith Balswick

Thoughts?

Jeremy Casella :: Recovery

This album has rather quickly climbed near the top of my most-playeds in i-tunes in month or so since I first got my paws on it. Jeremy Casella is now topped only by Chris Thile & U2 (who've been in the library for years). :-)

My first exposure to Jeremy Casella's artful music was at an event where Indelible Grace came to play at Clemson Presbyterian. "Joyful Fire" spoke volumes to me and prompted me to hunt down more of his music. Several years later, he's released an album called Recovery and it is incredible. Incredible musically, incredible in honesty, incredible in diversity with a mix of genres and styles.

The entire album has resonated with me lately, in title and lyrics, as I've found the voice of, perhaps, a kindred spirit - one who knows that God calls us to a living, breathing relationship with Him and with others and that this honesty requires, at times, a wrestling with God, self and story.

In this album, Jeremy Casella has boldly spoken of God and His truth, and of the pilgrim journey we're on.

Once again, I'd suggest *everyone* go get it! :-D

http://www.jeremycasella.com/store/store.html