Don't worry...

... I'm still alive, though that status felt debatable just two or three weeks ago (finals!). :-)

I feel like I've learned a lot this past semester, though the bulk of it had little to do with the classes I took. Not saying that I didn't learn anything from classes, but... there is more to grad school (& seminary in particular) than academics.

Possibly coming soon:
- the story of a little ragtag band of travellers...
- miles & miles of percolation (thoughts, not coffee)
- two wheels & grades (the steep kind & the school kind)
- introductions, such as my amusing twice-a-week companion
- who knows what else??!?!?

A Cry for Mercy

"There is so much fear in us. Fear of people, fear of God and much raw, undefined, free-floating anxiety. I wonder if fear is not our main obstacle to prayer. When we enter into the presence of God and start to sense that huge reservoir of fear in us, we want to run away into the many distractions which our busy world offers us so abundantly. But we should not be afraid of our fears. We can confront them, give words to them and lead them into the presence of him who says: 'Do not be afraid, it is I.' Our inclination is to show our Lord only what we feel comfortable with. But the more we dare to reveal our whole trembling self to him, the more we will be able to sense that his love, which is perfect love, casts out all our fears."

~ Henri J.M. Nouwen - A Cry for Mercy

: : : Listening

365 - 3.15 / Perspective / Littleton, CO

* * * * * * *

A rare day in Denver...
Heavy clouds begging,
stop.
look.
listen.
And so I do...

A rare day in history...
Heavy clouds, mourning
stop.
look.
listen.


::: it is finished.


veil : torn
death : scorned
LIFE : born
given
proclaimed
out of
hope : lost and found
at an empty tomb,
in a closed room,
on a dusty road,
as the Spirit falls
and we are called

to
stop.
look.
listen.
and take our first breath,
ALIVE.

Learning...

"It has been said that listening is far more challenging than talking. Listening with genuine, heartfelt interest opens the door to sharing at the depths of who we are."

- Jack & Judith Balswick

Thoughts?

I am...

- not the great I AM.
- very thankful for my friends.

Grad school has been kicking my tail this semester - and moreso than I expected! God seems to be forever teaching me about community, and no less now in the middle of crazy papers and looming midterms.

He has kept me going in a multitude of ways, not limited to...
- random provision of chocolate (yes, i love chocolate now)
- an unexpected gift of coffee
- a much-needed dose of perspective from my dear friend, Becca
- the patient, listening (and cooking) heart of Rosie
- the grace and commiseration of my husband
- permission to take a little time to take care of myself by going for a run

I have a hard time receiving these gifts... I'd rather give them... but it seems God wants me to learn to simply be and listen and revel in the caring hearts and hands of my family and friends.

So, to everyone, and to Jesus most of all: thank you.

Uncertain.

365 - 2.15 / Studying by Candlelight / Littleton, CO

* * * * * * *

The past week or so have been somewhat of an enigma to me. Oh, I have theories, but I'm not sure they fit...

Busy?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Under the weather?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Discouraged?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...
Afraid?
- Yes, but there's more to it than that...

I'm a little baffled that three weeks of class have already slipped past. Meanwhile, I've already gotten behind on my reading, I've caught a cold and kept it for a week, I've tweaked & turned in my learning contract, I've seen 2 clients, and I've questioned the very core of who I am.

A friend has said that she has many layers, the deepest and best one being chocolate. Lately, I've had the unsettling feeling that my deepest layer is something akin to tar. Black, smelly, and disgusting.

On a cognitive level, I know this is not true. Perhaps I have become tarred over the course of life in a broken world, but my deepest heart is not itself tar. God is up to something good again (as always), but...

For some reason, that's really hard for me cling to and live out of on a heart-level.

So in the past week, I've given up and gotten by. Exhausted and snotty. Soul-weary and overwhelmed. Eyes closed, camera off, sketchbook hidden. Despite a commitment to listen with my heart, I mostly shut it down again - afraid to venture further through the doors opened to me.

To be honest, I'm still on the edge of that place even as I write. But I am not alone and I am not stranded. I am surrounded and embraced by my Creator, Redeemer, and Friend - and by a community of people who are willing to remind me of what is real and true.

I am not sure what God is up to in this season, but I do not need to know the end right now, only that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day He returns (Philippians 1:6).

On Being Awake...

"The word I kept hearing in multiple places this morning is "awake." I'm curious what it means for me. Anything for you?"
~ Winn Collier, as his Facebook status

"short answer... it's a state i wish i were in today, more than just physically. it's better than texas. :-)"
~ my too-quick, but still true, response

* * * * * * *

I probably should've thought more about my answer before I posted a comment, but I didn't have the energy to articulate, at that moment, what being awake means for me. So I got to have a little bit of freshly prepared foot* for lunch, but that's okay. As a "transplanted Texan" (see below**), I stand by my claim that being truly awake is better than Texas any day.

And now I shall explain.

For me, being truly awake is far more than a physical state. It's a matter of willingness, awareness, aliveness... where I pop my head out of my little prairie-dog hole and realize that the world, and God in it and beyond it, are far larger than I understand them to be.

To be awake means:
- seeing and listening, with more than just my physical eyes and ears, to God and the world around me
- anticipation, not complacency ~ keeping watch, as in Matthew 25
- letting go of my little life for the sake of loving and serving God and my neighbor
- spending honest, unfettered time with my heart laid bare to Jesus, who has rescued me
- asking hard questions & thinking hard through the possible answers
- encountering the world honestly, genuinely
- remembering what is true
- loving well wherever I find myself - whether work, school, or community
- working well wherever I find myself - whether work, school, or community
- allowing myself to be loved by others
- something God calls me to be
- and much, much, MUCH more...


If I am honest with myself, I don't spend much time awake... and that, my friends, I lament.



* * * * * * *

* - I don't like to stir things up, so I stuck my foot in my mouth. Perhaps unnecessarily. I'm still evaluating that one...
** - Though born in Texas, I grew up in SC, and thus went through all of SC's state history shenanigans. So... when I came home from school in the 3rd-ish grade calling myself a "sandlapper" (the name for a South Carolinian, I guess), my mom went to great lengths to explain that I am not in fact a "sandlapper," and should not call myself that... I'm a "transplanted Texan." I guess it stuck.

Mending Pants & Relationships

365:11

* * * * * * *

There haven't been very many productive days since I got back to Colorado, at least not in the way that I'm used to. I feel a bit aimless without a job or classes at the moment and tend to putter around aimlessly in the morning unless I've made concrete plans the day before. If it's a particularly bad day, the puttering lasts well into the afternoon and isn't necessarily restful. Unfortunately it can be self-pitying puttering, which I hate in myself - a sort of moping without seeking a solution or acting on what I already know to be necessary. Not every day has been like this, there've been more than I'd prefer.

And yet, in this sick-ish puttering, God is somehow at work.

I've been reminded of three things in the past few days:
1) That God's love endures forever;
2) That He will not abandon the work He has begun; and
3) That, while I was still far off (and still sometimes am), Jesus met me and brought me home

I am most certainly a prodigal pilgrim... on a lifelong journey, often returning to God after an absence.

And I'm not just a prodigal in my relationship with God... it seems I am just as much of one with my husband, Jeromie - though we see each other daily, I think we've both struggled to be fully present in this past year. Instead of fighting for our marriage, as we ought, we've taken the easier road of co-existing. Especially in our time as students... cause boy does school demand a lot.

Not good.

But God's been up to something between us in this puttering time... an awakening of sorts, and a conviction and a call: to fight for each other and for our marriage, even when we're tempted to run & hide.

So... if you know us, whether you're nearby or far away, hold us to it.

* * * * * * *

The closing prayer from this morning at Wellspring:
Father of all, we give you thanks and praise, that when we were still far off you met us in your Son and brought us home. Dying and living, he declared your love, gave us grace, and opened the gate of glory. May we who share Christ’s body live his risen life; we who drink his cup bring life to others; we whom the Spirit lights give light to the world. Keep us firm in the hope you have set before us, so we and all your children shall be free, and the whole earth live to praise your name; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Weathered & Weathering

365:6

* * * * * * *

Seems like right when I decide to keep my eyes and heart open, there's an incredible temptation to just shut them and give up. That would most certainly describe yesterday and, unfortunately, the better part of today. I wish I could say I withstood the temptation, but not today. Oh, I tried yesterday, but today I gave up. And then I realized what I was doing.

So... I went for a run - camera in hand, heart hopeful - and at least at first, every step was a chore. It didn't really get any easier as the run progressed, but I felt better just for being out. Ended the run at my local yarn store, found some materials to knit Jer a scarf, walked home in the wind, appreciated the rare overcast afternoon, and spotted something new (to me) in my favorite alleyway just behind the house.

Old shed. Old shingles. Obviously beaten by years of sun and snow. But still kickin' it one day at a time.

It's funny the things God uses to put things in perspective for me.

I'll just keep kickin' it. One day at a time.

365 : The Little Things

365:4

* * * * * * *

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few years, it's that little things can make a big difference. A word, a glance, a hug, a few minutes of stillness, a nap, a sneaky-plan, a flash of unsuspecting beauty here & gone...

There are periods of my life where I just let the little things float on by, and in the process I tend to forget what's important. I really don't want to live like that. If you know me and you see me slipping into that... call me on it. :-)

So. One of my hopes for this coming year, and for life in general, is for eyes that see and ears that hear. I want to be captivated, captured, arrested, awed by God's active presence in and around me because He is near and He has dwelt here among us. Emmanuel.

There are lots of 365's floating around the interwebz, so this idea is not a Liz-original, but I'll take it & adapt it & run. With the lovely camera I received for Christmas (thanks Jeromie!), I hope to capture a few of the things that speak to me, hopefully one each day, and share some of them here (aesthetically pleasing or not).

* * * * * * *

"To work on a book is for me very much the same thing as to pray. Both involve discipline. If the artist works only when he feels like it, he's not apt to build up much of a body of work. Inspiration far more often comes during the work than before it, because the largest part of the job of the artist is to listen to the work, and to go where it tells him to go. Ultimately, when you are writing, you stop thinking and write what you hear.

To pray is to listen also, to move through my own chattering to God, to that place where I can be silent and listen to what God may have to say. But, if I pray only when I feel like it, God may not choose to speak. The greatest moments of prayer come in the midst of fumbling and faltering prayer, rather than the odd moment when one decides to try to turn to God."

~ Madeleine L'Engle
Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith & Art

Home Safely

6:30am flight out of Atlanta, GA

good music & closed eyes

heading back to colder, drier climes (which i love)

* * * * * * *

I am sad to have left my east coast friends and family
but I am glad to be home.

Headin' Home.

I really wish I could be 3 places at once. And all there all three places. There are just too many awesome people in this world for me to get enough of them all... like my family and my husbands family, and my dear friends in half-a-dozen states.

But alas. I am not omnipresent. I am one very human Liz.

Which means it's time to go home. Yay! & Boo! at the same time.

I have had an incredible Christmas break this year, and I am glad for the time I had in each place and with each person. Thank you to everyone who has given us a ride, hosted us in their house, fed us, lent us transportation, laughed with us, laughed at us while we laughed at ourselves, and rescued us from a rental-car debacle. Special thanks to Jeromie for putting up with a crick'd neck the first week and a nasty cold the second! That man has patience.

So. We're off...
- Montgomery to see the Dixons
- Atlanta for time with the utterly fantastic Henleys before an
- Early morning flight to CO.

Much love, all.

Inspired.

oldpictures.puppets.pens.people

Haven't done this in a while... haven't had or taken the time. But that doesn't mean I haven't been inspired by something! :-)

* * * * * * *

Old Pictures - Of anyone, anything. Especially family. We don't have many from when I was little, but I came across a frame full of ones of me at Dad & Amy's house over Christmas. The picture on the far left is one of me messing around on the piano. Funny... I still like hats like that. Anyone up for Fedora February??

Puppets - It all started with Pigeon. Then I found the cutest hedgehog at a board-game store (Dirk: "Prepare to meet your dooooooooooom!!"). Then the awesome Bucks gave me a sheep (Doug). And now I have a collection of medieval finger puppets. My faaaaavorite puppet company so far is Folkmanis. They make tons of animal puppets and they're incredibly cute. :-D

Pens & Colored Pencils - Colors. Writing. Drawing. Taking pictures of them...

People - Family, good friends, new friends, strangers who won't be for long. Talking, listening, encouraging, giving. Knowing & being known. Being called out for the crap that I sometimes decide to wallow in. Telling stories, hearing stories. Dreaming up monkey business.

Yeah.

So now for some of that monkey business...

Ultimate Nerd New Year's!!

Arright. I'll fess up (to the whole world) what all my family and good friends already know.

I'm a nerd. and a geek.

In middle school, I'd've* cringed at the labels and made some rather ineffective efforts at thwarting them, but now I proudly OWN that part of my personality. You know... I like being a nerd. Who cares about labels anyway?

So... tonight was the ultimate nerd New Year's for me... full of board games. :-D Jer & I chilled at home with his parents, celebrated with lasagna, played a game, toasted in the New Year, then Jer & I played another. The important thing (to me) was getting to spend time with some of the people I love, laughing at ourselves and each other.

Dinner: Darla's lovely lasagna
Games: Alhambra & Agricola
Chuckles: Watching the East Coast New Years Countdown with Will, Arnold, Beth & Hope over Skype; "Don't be a stinkypants... that's my job!!"

Happy New Year to all!


the RandParents

The Colorado Rands

A very close game of Agricola
Jer 34, Liz 32



(* - I know that I'd've is NOT a correct use of anything, but I happen to like it thank-you-very-much. :-) After all, 'tisn't a school paper!! :-D )

Challenges

As if life itself weren't a challenge enough sometimes!

I've been thinking about this past year... like most of the world seems to do when we get to the end of one. i've never been much of one to make *resolutions* per se, but i do have hopes and goals in general that i hope to achieve at some point.

Like this past year...
- I hoped to finally achieve my goal of running a half-marathon. Didn't.
- I hoped to knit a sweater. Did!
- I hoped to live in another state. Did!
- I hoped to become more of a bike commuter. Did!
- I hoped to get into seminary, start school, and do okay in it. Did, did, and hopefully did.
- I hoped to read a lot of books. Definitely did.
- I hoped to form deeper relationships with old and new friends. Pretty darn sure I did.
- I hoped to be more consistent in a lot of things. And I was, but not so much in those that I'd established as my priorities... it's hard to tell.

I want to listen well.
I want to love well.
I want to work hard.
I want to play hard.
I want to rest when I rest.
I want to give... life, encouragement, time, money, creativity.
I want to trust... God, my husband, friends, myself.

And I still want to run a half-marathon. :-)



...On a lighter note, we've got a challenge going here in the Rand family.

Rand Parents vs. ColoRands
Exercising Regularly (3x/wk)
We've got a little point system, a time frame, something to work for, and a little friendly rivalry. :-D

You'd think the Jer & I would have an advantage, but really we've been bad about doing any consistent and *real* exercise this past semester. I've maybe gotten out for longer than 15 minutes 1x/wk average in the past semester. Long time when I do, but... things don't even out that way.

It makes me happy though, because we all need to be moving around more regularly. And we all want to be able to do that together when we get together. :-D Anyone else want in??

* * * * * * *

P.S. I just whomped Jer & Jonathan in a game of Agricola. Who'da thunk?

Pirate Hats & Duct Tape

I think that today has been one of the most hilarious Goudelock Family Christmases in a while. :-D Don't have long... gotta pack, but I figured I'd share a few highlights!

So, Jeromie and I have the cutest nieces and nephews... well, I guess we're kind of partial to them. But one of them, Iona, is an almost-4-year-old who has a slight affinity for pirates... and we found her a really cute pirate hat. She was feeling a bit un-piratey tonight, but that didn't stop a few of the adults from having fun with it. :-D

me.

Jeromie.

Dad.

Along the theme of nefariousness (nefarity??), Jeromie and Baby Ewan played Christmas Ninja while I wrapped presents...



And Iona, got pink duct tape for Christmas!! (She asked for duct tape and a toy horse. Those were her Christmas wishes. Girl after my own heart. :-D )

Tis a little blurry... what can I say? that girl moves fast!

Tomorrow morning, we head for Alabamy to see these awesome folks (plus le RandParents, not shown), with whom we had an "iBrunch" this morning! :-D



There are too many highlights to show... like running with Diane... and the turkey-washing song... and the list goes on and on and on... :-)

Up Next: Who knows???

Warmth, or lack thereof...

There are a few blatantly obvious things that have been driven home for me this Christmas...

- it's cold outside. yes, even in SC. and people sleep in it.
- i've been taking a lot of things in life for granted.
- story is a beautiful, God-given gift.
- i love and appreciate my family, and I don't tell them that enough.
- i'm pretty sure that the last realization goes for my friends too...

The past few months have been full of newness and busy-ness and more reading crammed into the smallest time frame than any other time in my life, but I feel like they've also been full of a sort of inaction. I suppose it's the learning-first-then-doing sort, but it's a little hard to stomach and I find myself wondering if I could've been a better steward of these few short months. Continued food for thought, not reason for despair. :-)

But story, oh story! I have been devouring stories, enthralled by them. (Reminds me of a post I made sometime earlier in the year about wanting to read Scripture that way... I think I got more than I bargained for in that department. :-D Open-mouth-in-front-of-gushing-fire-hydrant-style. No complaints, though... I just know a few things I need to change as I move into this next semester...) My picks for holiday reading so far have ranged from Jean Duprau's City of Ember to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice to some thought-provoking non-fiction... I don't know what else will enter the list at this point. I'm just hungry for good story and I can't quite put words to it right now.

A Christmas Eve playlist, (courtesy of Jeromie, crafted for Ewan):
- "Trumpet Child" by Over the Rhine
- "Hymn 101" by Joe Pug
- "Take Me Home" by Genesis as covered by Dave Smith
- "John Saw That Number" by Neko Case
- "Sometimes" by Punch Brothers
- "Rains in Asia" by Jump
- "Quiet" by This Will Destroy You

Hop on over to Jeromie's blog sometime tomorrow for some thoughts on these... in the meanwhile, I'm diggin'em.

Up Next: Pirate Hats & Duct Tape

...

"God is over all things,
under all things,
outside all,
within, but not enclosed,
without, but not excluded,
above, but not raised up,
below, but not depressed,
wholly above, presiding,
wholly without, embracing
wholly within, filling."

~ Hildevert of Lavardin

...

"...growing up never ends; we never get there. I am still in the process of growing up, but I will make no progress if I lose any of myself on the way."
- Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water

Much-needed laughs!

So... the past few weeks have been CRAZY. I only pulled one all-nighter in my whole career as an undergrad, and now I've pulled three... and I haven't really been procrastinating or wasting time either. Well... sometimes I do, but not enough to cause a problem with completing my work. :-) A week & a half left... that's all I have to say. Well... not really. I have more.

Lack of sleep makes me loopy. Most of you know that. I've been loopy half the day, aided by a pretty hilarious email from my dear friend Joel in SC.

Insert your name for mine, your significant other, best friend or favorite stuffed animal for Jeromie's, and take heart, ye overwork-ed students! :-D

* * * * * * *

What's up Liz?
I figure you are keeping busy. Because, like, school does that to people. But, when you graduate, you can get PAID!!!! And once you get paid in full, you and Jeromie can get the tricked out ride. I'm talking rims, hydraulics, chrome and leather! Fo' real! Ya'll could get phat bling and pit bulls and bling for them too. B/c dogs need gold. I mean, you could live your own rap video (profanity optional - gotta keep it Christian). You could get medallions so big and wide that they are no longer medallions, but gongs. Only you can answer the question, when does a medallion become a gong? You could like straight wear one, and Jeromie could bang it with the gong stick and everybody would know when you guys are near.


I hope the above picture gives you hope and determination to carry on :)

* * * * * * *

Joel is pretty awesome.