Facing the Shadows

I was not kidding when I mentioned a coming cold, dark season last month. To be honest, the darkness sucks, this time more than most.

Perhaps it's partly because this time, I'm peering into my soul and story intentionally, and in a way that I haven't in many years.

Perhaps it's partly because this time, there are people in my life who matter to me, and whom I supposedly matter to as more than just a face in a crowd. I think it's this part that makes the loneliness deeper and the silence deafening.

Oh wellz.

Final final, finally...

It's an hour before my last exam.
I'm operating on barely 4 hours of sleep.
I've finished my resource sheets.
And I have no clue how I will fare on this crazy final.

It's statistics, of course - which elicits a variety of ridiculous reactions from me... right now, I'm sorely tempted to answer the entire exam in doodles:

(mean square)

An apology. And tea.

So... my last post wasn't intended to be a smash on anyone who likes traditional holiday tunes. I've just realized lately what a propensity I have for disconnection. Some days it's a battle to stay not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally, awake. Who am I kidding? It's been most days lately, which is why I've taken to just turning everything off. Thus, when I actually turn something on it'd better be good. :-)

I apologize if I offended anyone.

On a kind of giddy note, I like tea.

This time last year, I did NOT like tea. This time last year, I didn't want to even consider tea as a viable beverage option. Oh, but I didn't know what I was missing until this week. :-)

Last spring, I decided I'd give tea a shot & started with the Celestial Seasonings fruity stuff. Why not? There's a tea factory just up the road in Boulder. That was all well and good. I tried some breakfast teas & greys. They were alright too (well, except for the one that tasted like old cigarette smoke smells).

Then my friend Elizabeth gave Jer & I tea for Christmas.

She gave us this stuff:

Tea Gschwendner's Winter Magic
(and their apple pie tea too)

Since I cracked the gift open on Sunday evening and put it to the test, I've had to resist chain-drinking the stuff. It's incredibly delicious. :-)

Thanks, Elizabeth!

Christmas Music

You know, sometimes I can get really annoyed at Christmas music. For a decent number of years now, any Christmas-musical sentimentality I have has been tied up in old hymns that remind me what the real story is. (Which is funny, actually, because I spent most of my life despising those dry, boring old hymns for the complete disconnection of belief and action that they represented to me.)

Well... now hymns are anything BUT dry and boring to me, and the Christmas-y ones are no longer confined to Christmas.

Probably about 5 years ago, I got my paws on Your King Has Come, which includes a whole pile of my favorite musicians singing a whole pile of amazing hymns and assorted other awesomes. And in the midst of all the awesomes, I found my favoritest ever Christmas song. Years (and hundreds of listens) later this song still makes me want to dance and cry and be generally absurd for the sheer joy of what God has done and is doing and will do on this broken sphere - and what He offers to the broken souls that walk it.

Without further ado, here's a link to the song:
Jeremy Casella - Joyful Fire

And here are the lyrics (to the best of my understanding):

Bright and shining like the sun
In the middle of a dark, hot night
I was walking through the fields,
I saw it hanging in the sky.

And, oh - some kind of illusion,
I thought I was out of my mind.
This light shone all around me,
It ripped through the dark like a knife -
Just like a knife

There was music in the air
And there was glory in the sky.
I saw an angel of the Lord who said to put my fears aside.
He said, "You've been waiting for a savior,
Well He's born in the city tonight.
You've been walking in the darkness
But you've seen a great light."

And, oh - I swear there were angels
just singing and dancing on high;
This light all around them,
a joyful fire in their eyes.
Oh, love - there was a fire in their eyes.

Oh, love. Oh, love - fire in their eyes

Oh, the righteousness and majesty,
This savior Jesus is our holy king,
Fulfilling every ancient prophecy,
The perfect sacrifice for you and me

So go tell the hungry,
Go tell the poor,
Go tell the widow,
Go tell the broken-hearted,
Go tell the homeless,
Go tell the thirsty,
Go tell the lonely -
the Lord keeps his promises,
the Lord keeps his promises.

* * * * * * *

(By the way, I would highly suggest pretty much all of Jeremy Casella's music. He's incredibly talented and beautifully honest. Check out his website here.)

Favorites

It's not often that I get to cram so many favorites into one day:
- great, but mildly unlikely, company
- sweet bike time
- light rail
- knitting
- crisp, clear, cold weather
- soul-searching
- coffee with Jero (I can have coffee again!)

This day was nearly 2 weeks ago and it's been a bit of an anchor in the crazy. God hears my prayers and responds in most surprising ways.

Old Pattern - Kindling Coffee Cuff

A few weeks ago, my husband and I met our friend Becca at the local Caribou Coffee to hang out. I was pleasantly surprised to see a bunch of reusable coffee cuffs, some knitted, hanging around for purchase.

I was also amused... about 2 years ago I made a bunch of my own just for fun but didn't think anyone would want to buy or use one. While re-arranging my craft corner the other day, I stumbled across the pattern I'd worked out for this one:



And so... for your knitting/stocking-stuffing/white-elephant-gifting pleasure, I give you the extremely simple directions for what I decided to name Kindling:

Grab some worsted-weight yarn (like Paton's Classic Wool).
Using US Size 6 or 7 dpns, cast on 36 stitches (a cable cast-on seems to work best!) & distribute them on 4 needles.
Join & knit two rounds in this manner: (K9, p1, k7, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1)

Then repeat this pattern 4 times, or until desired length:
Round 1: K9, p1, k1, k2tog, yo, k1, yo, ssk, k1, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1
Round 2: k9, p1, k7, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1
Round 3: k9, p1, k2tog, yo, k3, yo, ssk, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1
Round 4: K9, p1, k7, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1

After achieving desired length, complete last round as follows: (K9, p1, k7, p1, k9, p1, k7, p1)
Bind off.

Here's a shot of the details, sort of:


Happy Knitting & Merry Christmas!

Um.

I'm pretty sure that knitter/artist/photographer/designer Jared Flood (of Brooklyn Tweed) is an evil genius.

I've been reading his blog for about two years now, but I've only managed one project that he had a hand in, Smariek's Cap Karma. Granted, I've completed that project about 10-12 times.

Well, I started Koolhaas tonight (sweet hat pattern, check it out), and I'm certifiably addicted. I don't want to put it down, but I really should because it's 1am and I have an early class in the morning. Ah, sweet irresponsibility!! Maybe??

One day, I shall get up the guts to start this or this.

One day, I shall also dust off my camera and take pictures of the projects I've finished lately.

Just for the record...

This is not what I've been dealing with:


Although it does run in my family. (eek!)

Carrots.

I want to like them. Really, I do.

I have several friends who have an affinity for carrots. One friend would regularly buy a large bag of carrots to be his lunch for the week. I still don't understand how he did not turn permanently orange, but oh well. My husband loves carrots. He's happily munching on them right now.

But me? I. do. not. like. carrots. I tolerate them. I tend to eat them sparingly, and only because they're healthy & I'm supposed to.

Well... I'm on a mission to like carrots now.

Due to some recent health issues, I'm having to watch very carefully what I eat. (No, it's not diabeetus or anything super-huge.) Anyway... carrots are on the good list.

Coffee is on the bad list (pout.)
Soda is on the bad list (bottom lip trembling.)
Curry is on the bad list (wide eyes.)
Chickfila seems to be on my own personal bad list (tear!)
Tomatoes are on the bad list (whimper.)
As are a multitude of berries and citrus fruits!!! (sob!)

At least for now these are among the things on the bad list, so I'm hunting for other things I enjoy that are actually okay to eat...

And I really wish I liked carrots.

* * * * * * *

P.S. If you offer me a Dr. Pepper, I probably won't talk to you for a week.

A little mischief...

I was making some Christmas presents this afternoon and got a little carried away.

The result was this:

Meeple Madness

The Meeple is a piece from one of my favorite boardgames - Carcassonne. I'm pretty sure I have solidly stepped into geekdom by pasting one on my shirt, but that's alright with me. :-)

Mercy.

I've been finding myself whispering this a lot lately - part prayer, part plea, part thanks. And I have received much lately.

Much, much mercy.

A professor gave me an extension on an assignment, but then decided he couldn't realistically do that and revoked it. To which I whispered, mercy, realizing that this is just one assignment that will not likely be the death of me or my grade in the class.

Cold #3 ended up being something completely different. Still not certain what's going on, but I should (hopefully) find out in a few days. In the meantime, these days of questionable health have been driving me crazy. My body has been pretty reliable for most of my life, and now it just feels like its giving out. To which I whisper, mercy.

Each day of this past month and a half has been completed by the grace of God alone. Some days school, some days illness, some days wrestling, some days hiding, some days angry, some days thankful, most days weary, a few moments incredibly awake and aware of God's presence with me despite all appearances to the contrary. To which I whispered (and whisper still), mercy, because His presence is mercy and for that I am thankful.

Study Tactics

I'm sure this won't work so well for the longer papers that I have due in coming weeks, but for now I'm enjoying this approach to studying:

Write a section.
Knit a few rows.
Write a section.
Knit a few rows.

Thanks to some rest and the prayers of a few good friends, I think I might be able to fend off Cold #3, which was threatening earlier this week. Whatever it was knocked me out for Tuesday, but I refuse to be knocked out any longer... but I'm still moving slowly.

And writing a section,
Then knitting a few rows.
Repeating repeating
til this assignment is done.

At this rate, Shalom could be done by the end of November. You know what... I need peace AND a warm sweater, so that works out well. :-)

But all is not dark...

I know the last post was a bit of a downer. You'll get that here periodically, as I try to be genuine. Where I am is where I am and I won't try to hide it.

But all is not dark in my life. I have an incredible husband and I have a handful of friends, near and far, who are willing to stick things out with me and help me carefully peel back the assorted layers of my heart.

I also have a few sanity-keeping hobbies that I will carve out time for. My bike will get plenty of use, as will my running shoes. My paintbrushes will likely not stay dry for long, and there will be plenty of fun on my knitting needles. I know better than to dive into a mess without some diversions. :-)

Thanks to my wonderful friend Yvette (who gave me a fantastic birthday present - a gift certificate to my favorite local yarn store), I was able to get some yarn for a sweater today. No pictures yet, just a delighted impatient me who has already cast on for my second iteration of the Shalom cardigan. This time it will have sleeves, a la here and here.

The first time I made it, I used something I affectionately (haha) dubbed "Quintessential Itchy-Scratchy." Basically free yarn, also basically unwearable. Really, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could make a sweater if I could afford to. The completed product lives on my duct-tape dress form, whom I call Ducky. This new sweater will live on me. :-)

I should be writing a paper, but I'll get to that in a few minutes. Grad school does not have to be all work. Just remind me of that in a few weeks...

The beginning of perseverance

I get the feeling that I am entering a rather cold, dark season. Perhaps not physically... after all, I live in sunny CO now.

It's not creaky knees that bear the message this time, but the returning ache of an old, tired soul and a dimming of vision. More steps are uncertain, and there is less welcome in old places of rest. There's a loneliness that I can't shake. There's a homesickness for deep community and a dawning realization of just who and what are missing.

And you know what? I will welcome this season. I believe that Jesus is right in the thick of it with me, that my Father is at work redeeming a lot places that have been broken or lost.

So here I sit with open heart and open hands, listening.

Absence makes the heart grow...

Fonder, right?

(By the way, that's a really funny looking word. Fonder.)

Actually, it doesn't. Just for the record.

I mean, my fingers miss Facebook... every time I open my browser I start down the familiar path of check email, check Facebook, check blog-reader, check news (yes... in that order, it's sad, i know) & I come to a screetching halt on the second step.

But the rest of me has been breathing a great big sigh of relief and diving into the rest of life.

In lieu of Facebook & far too many hours of internet-based procrastination:
- I've begun to deal with some skunkiness in my own heart that I would've put off at least until Thanksgiving & possibly Christmas
- I've finished and sent off a paper two days before it was due
- I've done some much needed apartment cleaning
- I've been considering painting projects again (and actually done a little one!)
- I've gotten to work more on my sister's baby blanket

...and I've gotten up the courage to talk to God again (at least once)

These, my friends, are very good things.

A November Morning in Grad School

Riiiiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiing...

Snooze.

Riiiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing...

Snooze.

Riiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiiing...

Snooze.

Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

Shower. Pack. Leave. Go downstairs. GO UPSTAIRS.

Grumble. Go downstairs.

Drive. Drive. Drive. Nearly get pulled over. Grumble. Drive.

Prayer. Coffee. Sigh. Breathe.

All to work on statistics on a Saturday morning... but the semester is nearly over and I am counting the days!!!

Facebook

For those of you who read my blog and are also my friends on Facebook... I deactivated my account. (Probably) not forever. Just for now. Ask if you wanna know.

P.S. I finally fixed the comment function on the blog. Figured if I'm not available on FB, I should at least do that... :-)

Dangerous Prayer

I have learned, partially through the life of my husband Jeromie, that honest prayer is dangerous. Yes, it is many other things as well, but it is dangerous too.

It's dangerous to my sense of comfort. It's dangerous to my fragile earthly peace. It's dangerous to my familiar way of seeing and understanding and relating in the world.

I have just such a dangerous prayer.

I want to see the streets of Denver the way many of my friends and acquaintances do. I want to see those things that are hidden to my comfortable middle-class eyes. I may never be able to fully understand just what it is like to live them as a daily, draining reality... but if I am to walk well alongside these people I love, then I need perhaps a little more than cognitive empathy.

I have no idea how God will answer this prayer, but I'm praying that His will be done.

What?!?!??

I'll probably post in a few days about the sheer, utter craziness of last night, but in the meantime I present to you my snowboots.

Just a word or three before the pictures: wtf?!

(I'm not complaining... I'm just confused!)

Tent stake to show the extent of the damage

See?

??!

The Boots: Columbia Bugazips, obtained for a mere $3 at a yard sale last year in near-unused condition

The Conditions: High of 32F, Nighttime low of 26F, steady snow throughout while camping out:
- in Fort Collins
- in a decent snowstorm
- in a Chikfila parking lot
- for ~13.5 hours
- for free food!

The Crazy: The boots stayed outside of the tent, but out of the weather, for about 6 hours last night. They were awesome and toasty with no apparent structural compromise until I got back to Englewood and went in and out of several stores. At some point, I realized that my heel was bothering me & so I looked down at my shoes to discover that the left heel had cracked completely around. Keep walking around, finish my errand, walk out of the store, hear some crackling, look down... right toebox full of spiderweb cracks! Was I supposed to pretreat these things or were they just defective?

Jer looked at reviews of similar Columbia boots & found that several people had posted the same problem. Apparently the boots only have a 1 year warranty anyway, so it's probably not worth even asking since I got them secondhand more than a year ago.

No complaints from me... I definitely got $3 of wear out of them. It will just be a cold month or two for my toes if this weather keeps up. I'm eying some sweet boots for Christmas though... :-)

Just sayin'...

I am having a really really hard time understanding how it's already the end of October.

Some things I have loved about this autumn so far:
- crisp, cool weather
- pumpkin chocolate chip muffins & caramel apple cider
- visible snow behind the front range of the Rockies
- french press coffee more mornings than not
- itchy fingers: as in, i want to knit A LOT (where's more yarn?!)
- a smaller, possibly deeper vein for Fishes as we meet inside the church
- the Denver Half-Marathon
- 3 (maybe more!) snows before Halloween
- lots of sweet lunch dates with new & old friends
- leading my first group, and not being utterly terrified
- meeting and doing some good work of my own with a counselor

Some things I have not loved about this autumn so far:
- 2 major colds in less than a month!
- major bucks toward long-needed car repairs
- 3 (maybe more! snows before Halloween, with the awareness that I know far too many people who either do, or may have to, sleep out in it

Autumn is not over, but October nearly is... and I'm going to see how many more hours of sleep I can fit into it. :-) I've already missed a few too many!