Looking forward

Oh, life's a jumble... as usual. A strange, lovely mess.

This week has been one of getting rest, of getting organized, of getting excited.

Originally, Jer and I had planned on taking a January term class this week. We were really looking forward to the class, but we ended up dropping it just before Christmas, sensing that we needed rest (not more books and papers to fill up all the empty space). Seems God knew what we needed.

In about a week, we'll be heading to Dallas (unexpectedly) to spend some time with my mom. Mom has had multiple sclerosis for MANY years and it's become steadily more restrictive for her in a lot of ways. It's a wretched disease, and I'm realizing that I haven't really grieved well over all the moments and memories that it has stolen from my family. Now that I'm aware of that, I intend to listen closely to the Holy Spirit, to my heart, to my family, and to my (several, amazing, wise) companions.

I also intend to not sit on my rear any longer.

Bike riding (for more than fun) has been a part of my life since I was about 12 or 13, though there have been extended seasons where I haven't ridden as much. I'd intended for it to be a major part of my marathon training, as riding become the best prevention for injury. This week, it occurred to me that riding is perhaps the most natural way for me to be more actively involved in the life of my mom, even though we live hundreds of miles apart.

Enter the MS 150.

The MS 150 is not a new event; it's been going on for years - I've just never been in a good place to participate in it. Despite the fact that I've been planning on running a marathon this fall for more than a year now, I'm willing to let that go if need be. Perhaps I'll manage to do both... if not, the riding wins out because it's about more than just my interests.

It's one small way that I can fight for my mom, so here goes...

Looking back

Last year around this time, I did a little bit of a year-in-review complete with a handful of my dids and didn'ts for 2008. Don't have much of a review for this year... for the most part, it seems to have been utterly consumed by school. As I look back, the highlights of this year were mostly little things.

... an hour here or there in the company of a friend
... a breath of fresh air, by bike or foot
... recognition of a few unexpected fellow travellers
... the opportunity to show love through creativity
... the rhythms of liturgy
... the hard questions of messy ministry
... little gestures of love & commitment from my amazing husband
... God's steady invitation to become awake and alive with him

My desires for this coming year haven't really changed...

I want to listen well.
I want to love well.
I want to work hard.
I want to play hard.
I want to rest when I rest.
I want to give... life, encouragement, time, money, creativity.
I want to trust... God, my husband, my friends, myself.

And this year, I want to run a marathon. :-)

Christmas Music

You know, sometimes I can get really annoyed at Christmas music. For a decent number of years now, any Christmas-musical sentimentality I have has been tied up in old hymns that remind me what the real story is. (Which is funny, actually, because I spent most of my life despising those dry, boring old hymns for the complete disconnection of belief and action that they represented to me.)

Well... now hymns are anything BUT dry and boring to me, and the Christmas-y ones are no longer confined to Christmas.

Probably about 5 years ago, I got my paws on Your King Has Come, which includes a whole pile of my favorite musicians singing a whole pile of amazing hymns and assorted other awesomes. And in the midst of all the awesomes, I found my favoritest ever Christmas song. Years (and hundreds of listens) later this song still makes me want to dance and cry and be generally absurd for the sheer joy of what God has done and is doing and will do on this broken sphere - and what He offers to the broken souls that walk it.

Without further ado, here's a link to the song:
Jeremy Casella - Joyful Fire

And here are the lyrics (to the best of my understanding):

Bright and shining like the sun
In the middle of a dark, hot night
I was walking through the fields,
I saw it hanging in the sky.

And, oh - some kind of illusion,
I thought I was out of my mind.
This light shone all around me,
It ripped through the dark like a knife -
Just like a knife

There was music in the air
And there was glory in the sky.
I saw an angel of the Lord who said to put my fears aside.
He said, "You've been waiting for a savior,
Well He's born in the city tonight.
You've been walking in the darkness
But you've seen a great light."

And, oh - I swear there were angels
just singing and dancing on high;
This light all around them,
a joyful fire in their eyes.
Oh, love - there was a fire in their eyes.

Oh, love. Oh, love - fire in their eyes

Oh, the righteousness and majesty,
This savior Jesus is our holy king,
Fulfilling every ancient prophecy,
The perfect sacrifice for you and me

So go tell the hungry,
Go tell the poor,
Go tell the widow,
Go tell the broken-hearted,
Go tell the homeless,
Go tell the thirsty,
Go tell the lonely -
the Lord keeps his promises,
the Lord keeps his promises.

* * * * * * *

(By the way, I would highly suggest pretty much all of Jeremy Casella's music. He's incredibly talented and beautifully honest. Check out his website here.)

Favorites

It's not often that I get to cram so many favorites into one day:
- great, but mildly unlikely, company
- sweet bike time
- light rail
- knitting
- crisp, clear, cold weather
- soul-searching
- coffee with Jero (I can have coffee again!)

This day was nearly 2 weeks ago and it's been a bit of an anchor in the crazy. God hears my prayers and responds in most surprising ways.

Lost for words...*

In the past year or so, I've become accustomed to relative silence. I say relative because the rest of the world is usually bumping around & full of ceaseless sound.

For me, this silence has taken a few different forms, such as choosing not to accompany most of my actions with portable music. (Relatively) silent car trip, bike ride, run, study-time, cleaning sessions, etc. Nano has gone dusty for extended periods of time, and laptop has spent most of its time on mute. (At least with that last one I can ignore the fact that my computer has pretty awful speakers.)

Since the beginning of this year, I've been trying to be attentive to how I listen: as a friend, as a wife, as a family member, as a follower of Christ & journeying soul, as a counselor, as an artist,** as a being-in-the-world-at-large.

It's been an interesting time (to say the least!) and I am still learning.

One area that has remained painfully silent for a while is the time I've spent in Scripture... and I've responded poorly by spending less time in it. And intermittently connecting with the sadness behind it all, then honestly wrestling with my responses to Truth. So much more going on around this... ask if you want to know.

So imagine my surprise when I'm driving home today, listening to Snow Patrol (which we just recently got an album of because we just recently found out they were awesome because we've been hiding under our grad-school-seminary rocks (boulders? mountains?) for the past year (and other rocks before that) and haven't added to our music library out of laziness or lack of funds or just being fine with what we had. did i mention the fact that i don't usually listen to much of anything in the car anyway?! Strange afternoon.).

Where was I? Ah, yes... Listening to Snow Patrol & more specifically, "Run."

I wasn't listening closely to the lyrics (that's the next step in my music-processing processy-type, well... process) and was blown away when, clear as a friend in the passenger seat a snippet of the words from the chorus stood out to me:

"Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear." (Run - Snow Patrol)

Yeah. I broke down in tears. (Which, thanks to a sweet & wise friend, I now know I should listen to.)

The rest of the song doesn't really seem to fit as the voice of God, but those words blew me away and are consistent with what I know to be true.

Snow Patrol is not a substitute for encountering my Savior in the pages of His story, but those perfectly-timed words are an encouragement to me as I open the pages again & listen anew.


- - - - - - -
* What I was this afternoon, obviously not anymore as I just spit out a whole bunch of them.
** I'm still wrestling with applying that label to myself...

Challenges

As if life itself weren't a challenge enough sometimes!

I've been thinking about this past year... like most of the world seems to do when we get to the end of one. i've never been much of one to make *resolutions* per se, but i do have hopes and goals in general that i hope to achieve at some point.

Like this past year...
- I hoped to finally achieve my goal of running a half-marathon. Didn't.
- I hoped to knit a sweater. Did!
- I hoped to live in another state. Did!
- I hoped to become more of a bike commuter. Did!
- I hoped to get into seminary, start school, and do okay in it. Did, did, and hopefully did.
- I hoped to read a lot of books. Definitely did.
- I hoped to form deeper relationships with old and new friends. Pretty darn sure I did.
- I hoped to be more consistent in a lot of things. And I was, but not so much in those that I'd established as my priorities... it's hard to tell.

I want to listen well.
I want to love well.
I want to work hard.
I want to play hard.
I want to rest when I rest.
I want to give... life, encouragement, time, money, creativity.
I want to trust... God, my husband, friends, myself.

And I still want to run a half-marathon. :-)



...On a lighter note, we've got a challenge going here in the Rand family.

Rand Parents vs. ColoRands
Exercising Regularly (3x/wk)
We've got a little point system, a time frame, something to work for, and a little friendly rivalry. :-D

You'd think the Jer & I would have an advantage, but really we've been bad about doing any consistent and *real* exercise this past semester. I've maybe gotten out for longer than 15 minutes 1x/wk average in the past semester. Long time when I do, but... things don't even out that way.

It makes me happy though, because we all need to be moving around more regularly. And we all want to be able to do that together when we get together. :-D Anyone else want in??

* * * * * * *

P.S. I just whomped Jer & Jonathan in a game of Agricola. Who'da thunk?

Surrounded by boxen.

Well, we made it, and we brought the rain with us! It's starting to feel like the Rands have the gift of rain since both our long-distance trips this summer have been to places that don't get all that much and it starts raining as soon as we get there... Red Lodge, Montana, and Littleton, Colorado. We got here Friday and got our first glimpse of blue sky & mountains this morning! Since the weather's been nice this afternoon, we unloaded the POD... now we're surrounded by boxen. Boxen upon boxen upon boxen.

(Translation: Boxes. Boxes here, boxes there, boxes freakin' everywhere!)

Since arriving, I've been downright giddy. I love the couple we're living with, I love the town we're living in. I love the bike trails that criss-cross the city. I love the mountains outside the front door. I love the cool, dry air. I love the fact that our housemates (who own the place) have an incredible garden in the backyard - an itty-bitty corner that produces a whole lot of stuff! (Maybe Cori's green thumb will rub off on me!) Most of the time, I feel like I'm home... but there's still a lingering feeling of having been uprooted. This uprooted feeling hit me like a train (even though I saw it coming) this morning at church. I realized that as much as I love it here, what's missing is deep-rooted community: the kind that comes from wrestling and discussing and playing and being together, the kind that comes from being real and open and honest, the kind that loves unashamedly, the kind that comes from fighting for each other, the kind that takes time. The kind that doesn't happen in a weekend. :-)

I miss my DCF family, scattered as it now is. I miss the pilgrims I walked with there. But at the same time, I look forward eagerly to the time I will spend here - wrestling and discussing and playing and being together in a new (to me) community, being real and open and honest, loving unashamedly, fighting for the family I will soon join, for as long as God sees fit for us to dwell in this place.

* * * * * * *
P.S. I hope to get the boxen under control by the end of the week, at which time I'll draw a name and having a special block-printing party just for that person!

Bike vs. Car: 8.7mi / 2.7mi :-)

<< exhale >>

Somehow it seems appropriate that I get my life back from bookfairs and busy on my birthday!

I apologize for my rather lengthy absence from sharing things of interest, but the past two months or so have been incredibly busy on all fronts; however, the last (hopefully!) bookfair at work finished yesterday, so now I can rest and be rested.

Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported me this past year, and my whole life for that matter.

Thank you, Jeromie, for patience and hard words of truth.

Thank you, Jesus, for rescuing and redeeming me.

Thank you, God the Father, for loving me relentlessly.

Thank you, precious Holy Spirit, for breathing Life into mine.

Stirrings

This picture was taken just over two years ago... one crisp, late October morning in 2004. At that point I was driving too long and (most of the time) too early for a part-time job as a lifeguard. It's still amazing to me how time seems to fly and how things can change so slowly and quickly at the same time. At this point, I could wax theological about how God is changeless while I am always changing... and just because I don't doesn't mean He isn't (changeless)... but that isn't what strikes me most at moments like these. (And I am no good at waxing in any form... not even cars.)

I think what is stirring in my heart right now is, perhaps, a fresh realization of His mercy. That stirring itself is by grace alone - the Spirit rising like the sun to cut through the frost that remains in my own heart. I hope and pray for awakening - I've been asleep for too long.