oh sweet day!

I'm home from work and for the first time in WEEKS have succeeded in having a no-freakout day. That's not to say I didn't feel stressed, but for the first time in a while, I haven't felt overwhelmed, and I most certainly thank Jesus for that.

I do believe I shall had to the grocery store now, tasty recipe in hand! (Pasta with spinach, bacon and mushrooms!)

if i were an animal : episode 2

Agh... so ducks & pottami... perhaps now I can explain, or at least try.

May not be surprising to ANYONE else, but I'm stressed out and overwhelmed AGAIN. A couple of months ago, I thought I'd gotten to the point where I could leave work at work, not take life personally, not freak out and be stressed... and obviously I haven't been able to stay that way. Lately, the combination of thorns and work and wedding and my own wander-ful heart have combined to make me one chronically anxious creature. And I don't know what to do with it.

Cause letting things go, leaving them in God's hands, is a heck of a lot easier said than done.

I've been wondering over the past few days where my mistrusting/distrusting heart came from. I struggle to trust anyone... God, others, especially myself. Not in a paranoid way (i don't think anyone's out to get me), but it's so freaking hard to relinquish control... i think that's a good bit of the problem. So what does that mean? Sometimes it gets to the point where daily life feels like a burden and burdens feel like crises. Because I feel like I've got to take care of it ALL. And now, when I try to deal with it in the midst of crazy crazy, I know I need to let go of things, but dang it I can't let it all go at once.

Jen was talking yesterday about letting things roll off instead of absorbing it all... thus the duck. Who knows about the pottamus... perhaps I could just run over everything & flatten the problems. I don't knooooooooooooooow.

I just know I'm tired of this. Really tired.

if i could be an animal...

i think it might be good to be a duck... or... a... pottamus...

i suppose i'll explain that later, as i must now run off to a dinner date with my fiance & fam.

a moment of rest

true rest, as it turns out, is pretty darn elusive. seems sometimes that i find it in the most unexpected places... like now.

i spent the evening painting with my house church... not a room, but matte-board canvases... all meditating on Jesus' journey toward the cross. i can't seem to express myself by speaking so house church usually just wears me out, but tonight... tonight was different. ha. it's not like paint is a miracle drug or anything (and no i didn't sniff it), but, in painting with my family, there seemed to be somewhat of a release to what becomes bound by my life's daily rhythms.

thank you, Jesus.

overloaded (like imagine a baked potato on steroids)

I. am. tired. You're probably asking, 'Well if you're so dang tired, why on earth are you writing on this thing?' Jolly good question. I don't know if I feel like answering it. Ridiculous-type weeks at the DMH tend to evoke such posts every now and then where I just want to tell the world that I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted, and that I'm tired of being exhausted.

Capice?

I don't know if I spelled that right.

I don't care.

*mischevious grin*

riptides in the dead sea?

So a Monday morning finds me at home. Honestly, I would've rather been tough about it and gone in to work, but something tells me I need to go ahead and sit today out. I feel exhausted, disconnected, a little ashamed, and on top of all this, sitting on the edge of sick & well.

So what to do with the day?

Need to rest. Need to talk with Jesus. I feel like I've been swept away over the past couple of weeks, drawn into other things that deceptively offer peace & rest & healing but in fact bring death, and I haven't fought the current. Like a riptide, perhaps, except that I didn't realize the distance until I became too worn out to do anything about it. Looks like my desert met the ocean and I couldn't tell the difference. :-p

I think I'm gonna troop back upstairs for some quiet before I head off to G-vegas to get my car doctored.

Time flies regardless...

Where did February go?! Actually, I know where most of it went... but I'm still having a hard time believing that March is already here & a quarter over. I've tried my best to keep my eyes wide open instead of coasting through or just surviving each day, but even so the days have found a way to sneak past.

I don't like the sneaking...

So March 7th finds me...
- weary again, even after a two-and-a-half week break from work.
- very much aware of the fact that I desperately need Jesus.
- more aware of my priorities & more committed to acting on them.
- full of just as many questions & frustrations at work as before.
- 32 days closer to marrying Jeromie! :-)

This very moment finds me...
- fretting about work and what it means to make the right decisions each day.
- very headachey.
- homesick.

Westward Ho!

Aaaaaaaah... it's like the freedom you feel at the end of the school year... except that I only have 2 1/2 weeks. But I am NOT complaining about that... 2 1/2 weeks is fine with me! I have officially completed 1 year of working in community mental health. *cheers*

And now, I shall fly off to Dallas with de Jeromie!

Questions of Calling

How do I even begin to untangle this mass of questions?!

I sat down with my application materials this afternoon, and realized again the possibility that perhaps there is still more growing to do before I continue my schooling. I cannot tell if my struggles to begin/complete the applications are rooted in my own fear or if they are God tugging at my heart here & telling me to seek Him where I am. I most certainly don't want to plow forward toward seminary if that is not what God has called me to at this point in my journey.

God, I want to follow, but I can't tell what that means.

And so, once again, I will wait and listen.

Weary

So tired. I was hoping to spend this weekend digging around in my heart in some scenic locale (mountains?), but alas I am here at home... sick. The weariness of the past few days has turned into a full-on, all-over ache that just makes me want to crawl back in bed & I would do that if I weren't so wary of the dreams I had last night.

Perhaps I'll get my applications done today... :-)

Beginning again...

So I find myself in a both strange and familiar place... strange because it does not fit, it is not right - but familiar because I've most certainly been here before in varying degrees.

This time, I have only just arrived, but I remember vividly the worst of what this place holds.

The air is dry and dusty, and the only laughter is that of the scorching wind as it kicks the dust up into my face. The landscape is flat and changeless. On most days, I get the sinking feeling that there is nothing more - there is no hope for anything more than survival - and I resign myself to that fact. Precious few, I find a glimmer of joy and of purpose, which I cling to as my hope, but these tender shoots quickly wither under the blazing sun. My companions offer little solace as they greedily snatch up the only food this place provides... my stomach rumbles again like thunder and I reach back through the haze of my memories - I have not always been here.

As I sort through my story, I realize this place is a strange mix of exodus and prodigality. I have been through this land on my way to a new Home, but at times I find myself returned & utterly alone. Like the Israelites in the desert, I have wandered here between the slavery I was born into and a new land. Then, like the prodigal son, I have thrown myself into the arms of lesser lovers and found myself here and longing for home. Here again, I return, and each time I return (whether consciously or otherwise), I find that God pursues me even here. As with Israel in the story of Hosea, He gives and He takes away, all to show that HE is the Lord & lover of my soul.

Through all my unfaithfulness, He pursues me. I run and then return - because He pursues me. And I know He pursues me because He is Life, and Jesus died to bring me into real Life & into His family.

So here continues my story... it is most certainly a continuing, not a beginning... of God's mercy and love as He pursues my heart. I pray that my response will be to turn to Him again, not away, as the journey continues.