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"True theology is never a dry, intellectual exercise; rather it is the endeavor to be consumed with the reality of the One who is beyond our categories in such a way that we point in his direction. To live toward God is to move, not to arrive. To live toward God is to taste, not to consume." {Winn Collier, Restless Faith}

kickin' the dontwannas

As always, the recognition's been building for months, with the action lagging a bit behind.  And as usual, the blog post follows the action by week or two when I feel like reflecting on it in written form.  Instead of doing my typical year-in-review-ish kind of thing, this will have to suffice. :-)

So here goes.

I have recently recognized within myself an absurd propensity for answering tasks with the rather childish internal: "dontwanna!!"  At school or work, I am typically the master of the priority list and the dontwannas get silenced unless I'm really worn down.  In the rest of my life, the dontwannas and I duke it out regularly.  Oh, and I can be the master of evasion without even consciously considering what's going on...

Sometimes the dontwannas are just plain silly.

• Sleep? dontwanna. (and i stay up an hour too late)
• Wake up? dontwanna. (unwittingly hit the alarm clock for a good 30 minutes if i don't have somewhere to be or someone to meet.  i am perfectly able to get up, ready and where i need to be if there's a scheduled reason... but i can't trick myself into this for some reason...)
• Upload photos to my computer? dontwanna. (wait a month and neglect my camera in the meantime)

Sometimes the dontwannas are gross. 

• Do the dishes? dontwanna. (and they sit until later)
• Clean the house? dontwanna. (make ridiculous list of what needs doing and leave the unsavory tasks for absolutely last, or for Jeromie, or just don't make the list at all!  look at me, i'm making a list! how productive...)

Sometimes the dontwannas are harmful.

• Take a day off of running? dontwanna. (run anyway, eventually end up injured.  deal with the results all year long...)
• Go to the dentist? dontwanna. (put it off for, um... 4 years?  don't worry, no cavities this time.)

Sometimes the dontwannas are just plain sad.

• Spend spontaneous time with others? dontwanna.  (and i rationalize it as "self-care" because i'm an introvert. not that i don't need alone time, but like i said... i can be pretty absurd.)
• Start a conversation with the person next to me on the bus? dontwanna. (but, but... i don't know what to say! so we sit 5 miles in silence...)
• Spend time praying and reading? dontwanna.  (there, i've said it. i'm a bit Bible-phobic.)

The common theme?  The dontwannas are pretty much always selfish or self-serving.  And the avoidance or ending of avoidance is eventually guilt-driven.

Well, dontwannas... your days are numbered.  I dontwanna be characterized by dontwanna.  It's an unpleasant existence when I get down to it.

This year's practice?  Kickin' the unnecessary, self-serving dontwannas.

That said, not all dontwannas are bad.  A certain amount of self-care is necessary.  In some cases, self-protection is necessary.  I've gotten to the point where I can tell the difference, and those other dontwannas are about to bite the dust.  This is about the ridiculous ones... the ones I have no viable reason to heed.

The world does not revolve around Liz.  And I profess that my life does not revolve around me either.  Time to get living again.

Now for that laundry...